No one listens to me. Why that is true I don't know. Everyone seems to think it's because I talk too much or don't say things concisely enough. What if instead, I am just being me, and people don't care enough to listen? I have a lot to say but maybe because I am not capable of saying in ways that make sense to others, I should keep my mouth shut tightly so as not to confuse the world around me. You'd all have less to think about if I talked less often. Let's try that out for a while and see how it goes. (I'm upset and bitter...you won't be lucky enough for me to acutally be quiet.)
I'm sick of everyone telling me what to say, how to say it, who to be, how to be her. I don't even know who I am. How am I supposed to help you figure out anything if I don't know who I am?
I care too much about what other people think. Enough said.
I process things completely differently than it seems everyone else does. Things I say, ways I think - there are few people who can follow me. Is it that I'm slow? Likely so. The opposite would piss off the people in my life who think they are smart. I'm not smart you know; my IQ is just about 100. That's pretty average. Nothing special about me.
Planning things really stresses me out. Only I could handle planning something if people would stop suggesting I were stressed. The stress of planning is handleable. The stress of people questioning about my stress level or insinuating that I am stressed, upset, angry, or otherwise not handling my life well makes me stress out infinitely more than planning anything ever will.
I have realized that chronic pain is difficult. I think sometimes it is more of a challenge for people in my life than it is for me. Most days I wake up wondering how I'm going to make it easier for myself. Point is, I don't know how to do that, much less do I know how to explain or deal with it for anyone around me. My request is this: please be patient with me and learn your own coping mechanisms. I realize mine might be flawed. I'm trying to work on fixing some of them. I willing offer to help you develop coping techniques to keep me in your life - if that is a choice you make - but you have to understand that sometimes, probably more often than you want to admit, I will be sick.
I am in love. Being in love is wonderful. When love is real it, I'm finding it means things I've never understood. So far, loving John has been the greatest challenge of my life. I expect it to remain that way for as long as John and I live. Loving someone so freely and independently - not forced love - forces one to face things in ways that are sometimes uncomfortable, yet completely necessary. Some would argue aspects of my relationship with John. That likely goes to my communication deficits mentioned earlier. I'm not concise. It bothered him at first, maybe it still does, but he's learning me and learning to love me despite the fact that I'm learning I shouldn't open my mouth so much. Being in love like this is freeing. Maybe this will get me to shut up.
I have realized I ought always communicate in the written form. So I choose to trust God.
Back in college, in 2004 when blogging was hardly even a thing yet, I was here. Blogging before blogging meant anything to anyone. You can look in the archives for my past writings, but it was much more like a journal in the past. When we started fundraising, I messed around with the idea of launching something new for this new phase of our journey but actually hated that idea. I am a sum of all of my life and so much of it is here already. So I'm keeping it here. At least for now.
My main focus these days is blogging about our newest journey into the bizarre and wonderful world of gestational surrogacy. Posts dated 2013 and forward will trend heavily toward that journey. I don't promise everything I write will be about though. There might be other things that sneak in occasionally.
Please come along our journey with us. As the saying goes, "The more, the merrier!"
1 comment:
good non-editing! I knew you could do it (you did too!) and I, for one, am so glad that you did.
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