It is though I have been asleep; yet somehow alert enough to watch as my life has spiraled out of my control. The last two months are, at best, hazy in my recollection. And literally, for the last three weeks I have been asleep about eight-five percent of the time. Waking up to the realities surrounding my slumber has not been the most joyous of occasions. Slowly, with some burst of quick stark realities mixed in, I’m realizing there is more pain involved in all of this than I can fathom right now.
Throughout this ordeal decisions have been made in which it feels as though I have only been mildly consulted. My pain, the drugs, and my insane need for sleep have rendered me nearly useless in making decisions about my own life. So tomorrow after yet another doctor’s appointment, I am getting on a plane for a final trip back to Arizona to pack up my belongings and cart them cross country. I’ll be living again in my parents’ home; clearly not ideal but the only option I have currently.
Oh, and grad school? Yeah. That’s over. But that is one choice I did make. No way am I going into this medical battle trying to keep up with school again. I can barely manage to stay awake long enough to shower, eat, and make my bed. I am frustrated that I could not handle life the way I planned it. Reeling again in another episode of disease for which I lack understanding and compassion. It has ruined my life again and again. I feel like a rubber bouncy ball, constantly changing course. But right now I’m going to listen to what it seems everyone is saying: “Take care of yourself and your health.” Maybe soon I will find the rest and comfort of the hand that will carry me for a while before I’m thrown around again.
For everything I had to sacrifice this time I certainly hope I wake up to some answers.
Back in college, in 2004 when blogging was hardly even a thing yet, I was here. Blogging before blogging meant anything to anyone. You can look in the archives for my past writings, but it was much more like a journal in the past. When we started fundraising, I messed around with the idea of launching something new for this new phase of our journey but actually hated that idea. I am a sum of all of my life and so much of it is here already. So I'm keeping it here. At least for now.
My main focus these days is blogging about our newest journey into the bizarre and wonderful world of gestational surrogacy. Posts dated 2013 and forward will trend heavily toward that journey. I don't promise everything I write will be about though. There might be other things that sneak in occasionally.
Please come along our journey with us. As the saying goes, "The more, the merrier!"
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