Today I started a book. I was going to start it yesterday but reading is difficult and tiring. It makes me sick to my stomach too now, which makes it all the more appealing. But I've miss the art of reading. Getting lost in a story. So lost that I forget where I am. It's a good book so far. Compelling enough that I want to quit writing and read until I fall asleep.
But I won't yet. I'm finally finding my words again. Something is happening. I'm losing a gift. And it's a choice. I know it is. But it's as though I'm unconsciously watching some other version of myself make this choice. I not sure if it's the meds, sheer exhaustion, bitterness, or something I have yet to identify. Whatever it is I feel like who I was, not even so long ago, is being eaten by a horrible monster. It's stealing more of me than I ever thought I'd give.
So yesterday I read my Bible. I hope when I get to the end of this there will be someone left willing to be faithful. Right now I feel hollow and incapable of faith. According to everything I believe at some core of who I want to be, now is when I most need both to be faithful and have faith. I just wish she were strong enough this time.
Tomorrow is the test. I'm nervous. Scared maybe. I remember the dream as though it were real and it terrifies me. Sometimes I close my eyes and see her face speaking the words to me again. I just want to run. There is so much in this I never want to face; yet an answer, even the one I most dread, might be better than this repetitive curse.
Back in college, in 2004 when blogging was hardly even a thing yet, I was here. Blogging before blogging meant anything to anyone. You can look in the archives for my past writings, but it was much more like a journal in the past. When we started fundraising, I messed around with the idea of launching something new for this new phase of our journey but actually hated that idea. I am a sum of all of my life and so much of it is here already. So I'm keeping it here. At least for now.
My main focus these days is blogging about our newest journey into the bizarre and wonderful world of gestational surrogacy. Posts dated 2013 and forward will trend heavily toward that journey. I don't promise everything I write will be about though. There might be other things that sneak in occasionally.
Please come along our journey with us. As the saying goes, "The more, the merrier!"
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