Nothing seems right anymore. I search for what I used to know but the sleep has stolen everything familiar. I know I'm overly sensitive - it's my time of the month; maybe outsiders see it as a convenient excuse but it's real and likely part of the problem. Finally I'm grasping the breadth of the pain. It's as though I was in hibernation for several weeks only now to come out more completely and realize it might have been better to stay in that comfortable place. I think bears have the right idea.
I now am beginning to realize how much I lost while I was asleep. Blaming the medication would be easy enough. If a finger were to point at one thing, actually it should likely point here. Since they lowered the dose of the antidepressants I've felt much more like myself again. I don't sit and stare blankly as frequently and I don't feel empty anymore. But not feeling empty comes at a price. Emotions and feelings come with a responsibility and perhaps I do not yet understand how to balance that responsibility.
The questions still remain unanswered. The tests reveal nothing and yet there is so much I know is not right. My life unwantingly changed and only He knows the reason. So again I ask all the same questions - the why's, the how's, and when's. I attempt to stay away from what's and if's as much as I can, but they are clever and find their way in now and again. But at least I'm asking and not hiding anymore. Being me again may not be easy, but I can do this. I know how. One day at a time.
Getting myself back - even in this small way - was a good gift to get for Christmas. I only hope I can give back what doesn't belong to me.
Back in college, in 2004 when blogging was hardly even a thing yet, I was here. Blogging before blogging meant anything to anyone. You can look in the archives for my past writings, but it was much more like a journal in the past. When we started fundraising, I messed around with the idea of launching something new for this new phase of our journey but actually hated that idea. I am a sum of all of my life and so much of it is here already. So I'm keeping it here. At least for now.
My main focus these days is blogging about our newest journey into the bizarre and wonderful world of gestational surrogacy. Posts dated 2013 and forward will trend heavily toward that journey. I don't promise everything I write will be about though. There might be other things that sneak in occasionally.
Please come along our journey with us. As the saying goes, "The more, the merrier!"
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