On Being Single

Recently I have been keenly aware of my singleness. The reasons for my awareness of such are numerous; I’m not sure I completely realize all of them. Considering what the breath of such a complete realization might consist of, I am actually quite certain I would not like to know it all. After just experiencing the “most romantic day of the year” yesterday, and seeing all about me gifts and expressions of love given . . . well, I’ve just about had all I can take!

But all of this aside, I’m left wondering why I am suddenly so conscious of my own state as an eligible woman. After pondering a while on the subject, I came to this conclusion: this abrupt realization of singleness has really not been an all-of-a-sudden phenomenon as at first I thought it was. I have been watching, for years now, as many of my friends meet, date, become engaged, and marry their “prince charming” and frankly this practice is getting a little mundane. Lately, I’ve been spending time with a lot of people in what I will call a “third wheel context,” a self-inflicted state in which I feel like a third wheel when around couples. Please don’t misunderstand me, especially if you are a friend of mine to whom this can be applied; I love spending time with my friends and their spouses or significant others. Few things make me happier than knowing my friends are happy in love. But I can’t help but wonder in this moment whether being happy in love myself wouldn’t be just the thing that might make me happier than watching it all the time.

I’ve never been good at being alone. I’m what most call a “people” person. As my lonely days drone on, it seems I’m getting worse at spending time by myself. Being around people who are in relationships only seems to intensify the feeling of being alone. My longing for someone to share life with is growing so intense that it invades many of my moments of wakefulness. Even though the longings are consuming at times, I’m sensible enough to keep my future at bay – there’s no one in line to fill the position of companion just yet. It is just as well, for if there were someone, I’d likely only be writing about the woes of relational issues.

And so I work on patience. Why did I pray for that so many months ago? What was I thinking?

At first, one might conclude from my subject that I am not happy. But quite contrary, that couldn’t be more false. See, in an odd way, I’m entirely content in my singleness. I am learning the secret of being content in any and all circumstances. I’m depending on God, and growing in Him in ways that would be utterly impossible had I a spouse or boyfriend. I’m looking at these lonely days as preparation. A needed time of getting things sorted out in my own head and heart so that when “he” comes along, I’ll have the characteristics of a godly woman, one whom I’d desire to place into a relationship.

There is of course, an aspect wonder in my soul that I cannot quench. What will the future bring? When will I know? Where will he be? How will I know? And there is the mundaneness of it all. Having to experience life in a non-plural sense is draining. These is no one, expect for myself, to care about my actions or decisions. Right now, they will not affect the other person in my life because he has yet to exist in any real way. Right now, there really is no one else – only the promise, or dream, of someone. And while on one hand I appreciate that currently, I’m waiting (some days not as patiently as others) for the day when it will change. But until then, I will continue to consider him in my actions and choices, and believe fervently that someday soon my dream will come true.