Awake again. This time it was early morning. The sun had not yet broken the darkness that encased me. Refusing to look at the clock, I yanked the blanket over my head. It was at least the fifth time I had been woken from my slumber. Could it even be called slumber when it was so sporadic? I was too angry to care. I wanted to know what time it was, to know how many hours I had to keep up this battle. But I knew if I looked I’d only be more aggravated at the short time elapses since I’d last noted the time.
It had bee 2:14am then. I remember distinctly because the question that woke me then was the same one that always does. It looks different much of the time, but I always wake up feeling the same thing. Wondering the same thing. I had starred at the clock, as if the digital display held my answer. I think somehow in my half-awake state, I truly believed watching the clock might create some kind of revelation. So watch I did. Minute after minute, until 2:30 when I finally I realized that time spent in the middle of the morning, zoning on a clock wouldn’t change anything. The green haze in my eyes seemed to stay solid until the next thing woke me. I don’t even recall falling back to sleep. But then, I never really do.
I always remember what wakes me. It’s always the same. The package might be different, but in unwrapping it, I always find the same unwanted gift. This time the image was of a beach. There were treasures hidden beneath the sand. I was collecting them when he called my name. I ran to him. We embraced, and from that position we naturally separated all but our hands, which remained finger-locked. And then it was there. The gift – the same was as always. I could feel the desperation. But was it his or mine? I couldn’t ever really be sure. It was always the same. And, as always, I woke; the desperation lingering, choking me as the image was stripped from me by consciousness.
And then I was awake again in the middle of the morning desperately wondering if he’d ever be more than a dream.
Written 4/21/05
Back in college, in 2004 when blogging was hardly even a thing yet, I was here. Blogging before blogging meant anything to anyone. You can look in the archives for my past writings, but it was much more like a journal in the past. When we started fundraising, I messed around with the idea of launching something new for this new phase of our journey but actually hated that idea. I am a sum of all of my life and so much of it is here already. So I'm keeping it here. At least for now.
My main focus these days is blogging about our newest journey into the bizarre and wonderful world of gestational surrogacy. Posts dated 2013 and forward will trend heavily toward that journey. I don't promise everything I write will be about though. There might be other things that sneak in occasionally.
Please come along our journey with us. As the saying goes, "The more, the merrier!"
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