Anger Pains

I've just been reminded that God has perfect timing. Today I feel confident that waiting on God is best. I always know that. I usually believe it. But hardly ever do I feel it. Instead I always want my way. Even though the deepest parts of me know and trust that God's timing is always better, I want things done my way, in my time. Not his.

Today was different. I saw clearly how God's timing works. When I surrendered and waited today, God demonstrated, rather powerfully, what can happen when I choose to wait on Him.

Yesterday I fought with a friend. He was stubborn. Really, really stubborn. I got angry, very angry. It was stupid really, as fights usually are, but I write about it for a few different reasons. Mostly because a piece of the resolve of the fight is the demonstration I mention above. Other reasons include processing, having record of the fight, and simply because anger as a sin and emotion is something I struggle to comprehend.

Two strong willed people with different opinions about a situation make for a great fight, I will say that. I usually don't fight. Anyway, not like this. This fight left me wounded a little and I woke up today knowing that I'd have to apologize for the hurtful words I said. Merely because he wouldn't let me do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it, I yelled and said some very mean things. I slammed the phone down saying I didn't want to speak to him again until he was ready to speak to me face to face. (Which was why I was mad, but it's a whole other story to explain that and not worth the effort. To personal.) Going against the biblical advice "Don't let the sun set on your anger..." I went to bed. Angry. Probably more angry than I've been in months. This morning I woke to the reality of the pain that anger causes. I had been wrong. The things I said weren't true. I was being hurtful because I couldn't have my way. I needed to tell him I was sorry - and worse - admit that I was wrong.

"Crap." I thought aloud this morning while loading my first load of laundry, "how am I going to do this when I'm not speaking to him? I'm really serious about that!"

So all day I prayed about what to do so as not to break my word/will (however stubborn and stupid it might appear, it's for good reason...again, personal.) I decided I would email him a very short apology, admitting my fault and telling him I was sorry. I began composing the email. The second sentence into it my phone rang. Low and behold, it was him.

Not ready to hear my statement - the one that started this fight, the personal one that I won't write about - he said he wasn't completely settled about the conversation last night and wanted to check a couple things with me. Essentially make sure I wasn't off my rocker. He's rarely seen me that upset. There's only a few people on this planet that have seen me that mad. Anger pains are something I shy away from. I don't like them.

Anyway, the resolve and the demonstration looks a little like this: I was patient today. Even though I wanted to be angry still I wasn't. I released my anger, confessed my wrong and asked God what to do. Then, I didn't jump on my computer and email him at first second I sensed I should. I waited it out and sat with my pain a little. Sin isn't pretty. It hurts. Being wrong sucks. But because I was I knew I needed to fix it and when I let God work that out in me today He allowed me to come to a better resolution with the whole situation than I was expecting.

In the brief conversation I just had with my friend, I was not only able to apologize for the wrong and hurtful things, but also tell him I'm still serious about talking to him in person when he's ready to hear what I have to say. (Which I've realized today will make that whole thing better in the long run...)

My experiences today, in some way, makes all the waiting I'm sensing feel worthwhile. And it's only just begun. Anger pains hurt a whole lot and truth is I hate them. But today I think I needed them. Thanks be to God!