Living isn’t really a choice that we choose. Kind of in the same way as you’ve heard it said “You can choose your friends but you’re stuck with your family” in a way we all kind of just “got stuck” living. It’s not something we’re consulted about. But each one to whom God wills life is asked to do it from the moment he or she is conceived. It’s sometimes referred to as a grand design. Grand as it may be, today I’m struggling to be a part of this “design;” today it feels more haphazardly configured than I know is true.
It is in the moments when circumstances of life become so overwhelming that comprehending one more conversation, one more movement, or just even one more breath seems impossible for what might wait on the other side, that life begins to feel like a game played by selfish people who try to hide answers from you instead of a gracious God who has designed it from beginning to end. Trusting God with living through these times isn’t easy. It’s much easier to trust God and leave everything in His hands when they seem big enough to me – but what about today – when they don’t?
That’s where faith is exercised. I’ve always easily accepted what is true about God. Early in life I identified a gift of faith, but I know for some having faith in God’s hands doesn’t come as naturally as it seems to come to me. And I don’t ever assume it should. I’ve never had the desire I’ve watched in some of my friends to logically or theologically define my God, I merely trust Him. On the same token, I love that I have a God who stands to all that logic and sometimes envy the gift of knowledge. Oh, but I love to exercise my faith!
See, I’ve never seen God’s hands. I don’t know how big they are. I know how big they feel to me right now. And that’s not very. I am overwhelmed. But I still have my faith, and my biblical knowledge tells me it need only be as big as a mustard seed. Have you ever really examined a mustard seed? So tiny! And I only need that much faith? I’ll safely assume, in faith, small as it is, that God’s hands are bigger than any mustard seed. I think too His hands must be bigger than my doubt, even though today that seems bigger than my faith. I hope my faith today is bigger than a mustard seed. I’m not sure, but that seed is pretty little. I may not hunger for knowledge like some of my friends who study theology, but this much I know: with His hands, however big they truly are, my God created and moved entire bodies of water. Oh, and let’s not forget masses of land! I know that those have got to be some mighty great hands. It is quite likely, I will go on seed-sized faith, that no matter how I feel today, or whether I’ve asked to be living or not, there is nothing in my circumstances that will fall through the Hands that hold all of Creation. Just because my brain isn’t big enough to comprehend the size of my God’s Hands doesn’t mean that wasn’t part of his grand design.
Back in college, in 2004 when blogging was hardly even a thing yet, I was here. Blogging before blogging meant anything to anyone. You can look in the archives for my past writings, but it was much more like a journal in the past. When we started fundraising, I messed around with the idea of launching something new for this new phase of our journey but actually hated that idea. I am a sum of all of my life and so much of it is here already. So I'm keeping it here. At least for now.
My main focus these days is blogging about our newest journey into the bizarre and wonderful world of gestational surrogacy. Posts dated 2013 and forward will trend heavily toward that journey. I don't promise everything I write will be about though. There might be other things that sneak in occasionally.
Please come along our journey with us. As the saying goes, "The more, the merrier!"
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