Brain on Broke, Part 3 This is How it is Supposed to Be

I have never really used a bookmark; instead I remember the page number, even for days between reading sessions. I’ve always been good at memorizing phone numbers, birthdates, account numbers, etc. Because of this I have a pact with myself not to remember my credit card numbers – that could be dangerous. I tell my friends to be careful if they trust me with pin numbers and pass codes. Not things I’m likely to forget.

I rarely forget appointments; up until two years ago rarely wrote any of that stuff down. I started then because, as my college roommate reminded last night, one of my seven jobs at that time was organizing the other six. Sometimes I really and actually had to be in two places at once at a time. I’m always prompt. I know where I put things and I’m meticulously organized. As a little kid I sorted paperclips by color because it looked neater that way. I still hold to some habits like that – though the third-grade-habit of sorting paperclips by color has graduated to color coordinated file labels.

I am not a loser. Well, certainly I’m not a loser, you’re reading this and you know me…and if I were a loser you wouldn’t associate with me, right? No. Not what I mean. I mean I don’t lose things. Keys. Wallet. Purse. Bills. Birthday cards. I don’t even know what else people lose. That is how much of a loser I am not.

I am good with directions. By directions, I mean driving directions and maps and whatnot. I remember being complimented once by an adult when I was in the 6th grade at my ability to give clear directions. I can also follow them well. There is a slight caveat to the direction thing. Two actually. For as long as I can remember I get confused when I drive. And I’ve never been good at or liked maps much I’ve talked to a lot of people about the sorts of confusion I experience when I drive and I feel like 50% of that confusion probably happens to everyone. Some of it, I’ve decided is to do with my distaste for maps; they just confuse me mostly. The other 50% I haven’t quite been able to figure out and have sort of always attributed to the headache I have because it’s not a consistent or predictable thing.

I catch on to things quickly. I don’t need things explained twice or repeated. If I make a mistake, I usually learn from it and move on. That learning is then filed away in a very valuable folder in my head labeled: “Never Do That Again.” It stays there and I can access it easily – especially if I am about to “do that again.” Literally, I’ve trained this portion of my brain and a little warning flag comes up every time I go to do something in that folder. It’s pretty cool. This is likely because I am overly critical of my own mistakes and therefore avoid them at every cost. Nonetheless, this is a very very useful little folder.

I write. I always write. I carry a notebook in my purse and I have to replace it all the time. I always write. In my journal. Emails. Letters. Notes. Cards. Writing is so engrained in me. Some of it becomes poetry….and that’s when I’m most alive.

I play. I mean this two-fold. First, I play on my keys. I adore my time on the piano and I have, since I was small, longed for more and more. The treasure of time I have on my new blue is a blessing. Like writing, playing gives life to my soul. Second, I mean I play hard. You’ve heard it said work hard, play hard, right? I most certainly believe it true. And try to live that out. I like to have a good time with people in my life. My “play times” are valuable to me. While I’ve never been much of an outdoorsy type, I know how to play and I play well. Those of you who’ve played with me know what I mean.

Right now I think I’m living in someone else’s head. Not literally. But that’s just how it feels. People assure me that what I’m experiencing is not that far off standard from an average functioning brain…then am I to assume mine just went much faster for a while and the breaks just skidded on in a halting fashion? Brains aren't meant to work like that...I don't think. I maintain that this is not how it is supposed to be!

For now though, I’m fighting something that brings challenges to every area mentioned above…and then some. I don’t remember numbers, even the page number in the book I set down last night telling myself not to forget. I’m forgetting appointments that are written down in multiple places. I'm late a lot now. My organizational skills are faltering to a degree that is not only affecting my clever colorized systems but others at work as well. I’m starting to lose stuff. Sometimes I just misplace it…but that also never happened before. I feel lost, physically lost, about 40% of the time…and it’s not just when I’m driving anymore. Take that percentage up to 80% were as “mentally lost” is concerned. If stuff isn’t repeated or stated twice, or sometimes even written down I simply don’t intake the information. My “Never Do That Again” folder might be among the missing items. Mistakes are occurring frequently. I’m sure some of these mistakes are in there…I just cannot seem to find them. And I really shouldn’t discuss the deficiencies in writing or playing of late or I might be resolved to tears. Tears really don’t suit me. Not tonight anyway.