Truth or Dare

Recently someone I know accused me of something that I never thought to be true of myself. I practically panicked when it was brought to my attention; thought there was some sort of validity to the harshness of the accusation.

I've been investing a good deal of emotional energy into discovering if this accusation has any place in my life or if it's just another instrument of division for an already emotionally exhausted soul.

I looked at this venture a little bit like a game of truth or dare. In that game you have to decide if you're going to commit to telling something embarrassingly true about yourself or do something incredibly stupid. Either way usually you end up looking rather foolish in the end. But for some reason, the dare is considered the more socially acceptable option.

So I looked for the truth. I couldn't find the truth; I looked but it was hard. I even checked with other [mostly] objective sources (which you can't really do it the game, so I guess I cheated a little.) And just like in the game you cannot make up truth. It has to be true. It has to be real.

On the dare end this is what I decided: I could make it be true - that would be a response to the inherent "dare" I sensed in the accusation. But I don't want to make it true. As a matter of fact I go to frighteningly painful lengths most of the time to avoid the very thing of which I was accused.

So I reached a carefully weighed decision. This could not have been a valid accusation. Instead it must have come from someone who, while well-meaning, mistook my behavior. And I think it must have been meant to divide what's not very divisible right now - my emotional energy.

I always liked to choose truth in the game. It was the safer option for me, I really didn't have to hide anything. But if I was pushed or prodded hard enough for coping out, I would pick a dare - just enough so the other kids wouldn't laugh at me.