The Forever Kind

In honor of her 34th birthday today, I want to celebrate my friend - the one I've been alluding to in many of my post but have not identified to all you Brave Souls who have joined our journey.  

I have a great story to tell today. I have a great story to tell about a great woman. I have a great story to tell about a great woman who was just a girl when I met her.

I was just a girl too. It was the beginning of the school year, 1994. I was finally a freshman!! I was nervous and excited at the same time. I felt fairly ridiculous in my plaid skirt and shirt embroidered with my school's name on the front. I had not been in a school building since the 3rd grade. So going to school was a big deal for me. Never mind that I was beginning my journey at a Catholic school, in a plaid wool skirt at the end of August. Also, I was not Catholic. I was raised as a combination of Evangelical, Assembly's of God, and Non-denominational Christian. (And no, I wasn't truant for 5 years, I was homeschooled in the late '80's and early 90's.) 

Freshman at our school had half-lockers. Mine was on the bottom. They were bright yellow, and in the basement of our school. As if freshman don't stand out enough, our lockers were simply sore thumbs that drove that point home. They were the color of big bird and stacked one on top of the other like the building blocks we played with in pre-school. To just add fuel to the newbie-fire, the rest of the school had green full-sized lockers. Seriously - with the wool uniform skirts, the mini-big-bird-lockers, the theology classes, the weekly mandatory mass, and the hallway that always smelled like marijuana - it's really incredible any of us ever made any friends. What's more amazing to me is that one of the friends I made during my time in the above mentioned chaos disguised as education has become such an amazing and irreplaceable gift to my soul.

The first time I saw her was at our lockers the first morning of high school. She had the yellow half locker next to mine. One of the first things I noticed about her was her equally sweet and shy smile. I don't think we said much, if anything to each other that first time we saw each other. We were both too nervous at that first encounter. Our newbie minds were overwhelmed with remembering the combination to our locks, and having to carry the right books to classrooms we had no idea how to navigate our way toward. (We weren't allowed to carry backpacks through the halls. And yes, freshman do gets books knocked out of their hands for just for kicks.)

We ended up walking to our first class pretty much together in a silent understanding of figuring it out one step at a time. By 2nd period, the sweet smiling girl had a name. Buy 4th period we'd been in every class together and we'd chosen seats near one another in every subsequent class in solidarity, if nothing else. When we were exchanging info on the rest of our first day's schedule we learned we had band together. That naturally lead to the question "what do you play?" We both played flute. That was the connection we needed then. The flute remains a big part of our story even though both of us have long since neglected the instruments which were our instant forever connection. 

We had no idea that first day that our friendship would be the forever kind. But we both now we realize we know the One who did. 

That first day we had no idea that we'd eventually be college roommates for a year. We had no idea that it would be through our friendship that her younger sister would become aquatinted with her now husband. We had no idea that I would attend her wedding months after her older sister was diagnosed with stage  4 bile-duct/liver cancer. We had no idea that she'd meet her husband and I'd meet my helpmate. We dreamed and thought of so many things together -some of which have become reality and so of which were just dreams that fizzled out for whatever reason. One time, we talked about starting a business together, but it wasn't the right time - perhaps we will pick that dream up again someday. 

I cried that day she brought me to her first owned home and on the tour announced "This will be the nursery, we're pregnant!!" I had no idea the closeness I'd develop to her children who now call me Auntie Katy. We had no idea that in October of 2013, after learning the devastating news that I couldn't/shouldn't carry a pregnancy, that she would sit on the couch in my living room and genuinely offer to carry a baby for us. 

As high school freshmen, we couldn't have imagined the amazing joys and horrible sorrows that life would throw our direction. For so many, many of our journeys through this life, doing it with the other would have been impossible. I am blessed beyond measure by this wonderful friend God designed for me. I could try to explain how much so, but fear my mere words would fail the task. I'm forever thankful for a faithful God who knew we'd need each other in this life. Who knew just how to knit together the ties of our lives "for such a time as this" - over and over and over again through our  20 years of friendship. (Yes we really are that old now..ugh.)

We don't know what is in store for the next part of our story. For this phase of our friendship. But we know the One who does. And we're all trusting that He knows and has all of us and the future of our new adventures together secured in His strong and mighty hands. The one thing I am sure of is that she and I will remain forever friends. 

So here's to you, sweet friend. Happy Birthday!! Thank you for allowing God to develop you into who you are. You amaze me. I love you. Forever!

Bumps in the Road

This journey has bumps. We are ultimately hoping for and longing for that to take shape in a baby-sized bump at some point, today the baby-bump experience seems dauntingly far away. 

The second opinion confirmed the first; that natural pregnancy is inadvisable for me. If we are able to harvest eggs (still unknown at this point) we will need to pursue using a gestational carrier. I won't lie, I was hoping the second opinion would be laced with magic and that I would be "allowed" to experience the miracle of growing life inside myself. However, I am oddly comforted today that two opinions match - even if to a disappointing reality. I'm not built to carry a baby on the inside. This saddens me deeply. I will need to grieve this point thoroughly in the coming weeks and months ahead, and maybe partially for the rest of my natural life. But it's clear, confirmed and true.  

If we pursue pregnancy, it will be in the form of what is referred to legally as Third Party Reproduction. It will be expensive. It will be risky. It will be stressful. It will be crazy. We still have to investigate a lot to be determine how expensive, how risky, and how crazy-stressful it will be. There is a VERY long road ahead even to get to the place where we make that decision. 

I am much more comfortable with the demeanor & communication style of our new doctor. While their opinions mirror each other, their approaches are different enough to confirm my suspicions that Dr. Feinberg is a better fit for us. I'm thrilled to be inviting her and her staff on this journey with us. I'm thrilled that she is willing to work with my existing physicians to figure out what will be best for me. I'm also comforted that one of her first warnings to me is that she has self-imposed, hippocratic oath based limits as to how far she will recommend we carry this journey. 

So begins the real journey. The legwork is scary. There is a legal component that (I think) would drive most lawyers crazy. There are physical, biological, psychological, and hormonal tests for at least three people (four if our carrier is married) that all have to be in line for us to proceed. There is an financial component that needs to be ironed out and figured out and funded. Then there is the risk/benefit assessment of the success rate and .... So on and so on until I turn shares of blue I've never seen. 

Oh - and, for those of you who don't know yet, which is probably most of you - there is this small 3.5cm problem we found today on the ultrasound. It seems I am forming another cyst. Just another little bump in the road. Or possibly a really massive bump. We can't know just yet.

I go for more evaluations with my regular GYN tomorrow. He's not yet concerned because size wise, it would have to double to be surgical. But I will be reminding him kindly that for that last cyst's occurrence, he advised me to " take 4 ibuprofen and call me in a couple days." That approach landed him in an OR for 2.5 hours on Labor Day Weekend removing a 9cm hemorrhagic cyst and most of my remaining ovary.  I don't want another surgery - to be sure!! But he was rather blasé about it on the phone today and I was honestly off-put by his tone. Maybe he was expecting a bigger cyst from me. I mean 3cm hardly competes with the 9cm & 11cm ones I presented with the last two times. Maybe 3cm deserves the blasé response that undoubtedly pulled him away from another patient. Our chat in the afternoon shall be a lively one...if I can keep myself out of the ER tonight. 

Sweet dreams, oh, brave souls. Have some for me please? Of bumps baby-sized and cysts that disappear. Tomorrow the journey continues and tonight I am feeling weary.

Summary of Infertility Appoinment

And so begins my journey of recording every little detail in a way that was previously reserved for my best-selling author dreams. Welcome, oh brave souls, to my - to our - amazing crazy journey. It's called life, and this is my current account: 

This past Tuesday (9/24/13) we had our first infertility consultation. The recent surgeries (7/26/13 and 9/1/13) threw us here, into the bizarre world of infertility treatment, before we really knew which end was up. And now, whatever we thought about that end before is altogether upside down. The following is my interpretation of the information we gleaned on Tuesday and what we plan to do going forward.

We went into our infertility appointment on recommendation from my GYN, who is also my surgeon. He knows my heart and struggle to get to the point of wanting to try to conceive and was at his end of helpful hints after these two surgeries which drastically change the "plan" he and I had discussed in July and August. We came away from our infertility consultation knowing that I have viable eggs. Dr. Karande (infertility specialist) is ok w/ beginning hormonal protocol for egg harvest. However, in his opinion I'm not a candidate for IUI (Intra-uterine Insemination) or any kind of hormonal protocol to achieve pregnancy, for that matter.  We will (if we decide to pursue this path of egg harvest) need a gestational carrier. 

The financial aspect of this IVF/gestational carrier journey is daunting and life altering. There are a one-hundred-dozen questions that are as yet to be answered in our minds and hearts about the whole process. 

There are also a lot of unknowns and risks associated with the hormonal protocol necessary for the egg harvest. These make my boyfriend (and others who love me) very nervous as he sees what I go through in any given naturally occurring cycle.

There is also is a lot of spiritual consideration happening on both of our parts, as we have been thrust into this journey a bit unprepared. 

Thing is, we decided to try for a baby naturally 5 minutes (actually one week) before these cysts started rearing their citrus-fruit-sized ugly heads back in July. So we didn't even get to really try at all. 

It feels to me in my heart and soul that we are being lead on this specific infertility path purposely. I can't really explain that because this isn't anything I ever seriously considered pursuing in the past.

In July, one week before citrus-fruit-fest began, we agreed that if we were to give our all at naturally trying to conceive and were unsuccessful, that was going to enough for us. Sad yes, but enough. At the point we could not conceive naturally, clarity for our future path, if any, to parenthood would have been reached. We agreed, that at that point (which we expected to be at least 2 years from now) we would actively think about/pursue the adoption option. 

But these two emergency surgeries just recently have hit the invisible fast forward button on our lives. And suddenly this is all very time sensitive stuff due to the fact that the the docs think I am a prime candidate for a third recurrence of this crazy cyst nonsense. Since we don't know when/if that will occur, there is really no way to prepare for parenthood other than freezing eggs or embryos for use for use with a gestational carrier at some point in the future. 

Egg freezing is a relatively new technology and there is not enough research to report success rates. Embryo freezing has a national average success rate of 40% Medically/success rate wise, Dr. Karande recommends freezing embryos. We have mixed feelings about freezing embryos, but understand the medical and scientific reasoning/research behind his recommendation.  (Thoughts on freezing embryos may be information for a later entry. However, on that note: such thoughts posted on my blog will never be a communal debate. This is a very private issue for us and our pending decision only reflects OUR experience. This is not a format where I wish to entertain religious, political, or any other opinion/thoughts on the issue than our own. If you wish to have private conversations with me regarding these issues and know me personally, I will welcome conversation.)  

Upon the third occurrence of a cyst, every doc so far agrees, they will remove the remaining bit of ovary I have left. As our first infertility specialist said, "We want/need to have your decision on this matter as soon as possible in case your tiny bit of ovary starts to misbehave again." 

So for now we stand here:

We are going to pursue a second opinion from a different infertility specialist, Dr. Eve Feinberg. This second opinion appointment will take place on 10/10/13. (This is a super amazing story but one for yet another post.) In short, I received a personal recommendation to Dr. Feinberg, and she to me. She may be a better fit for us as she has some experience with patients who have "progesterone issues." Dr. Feinberg comes with the highest recommendation by a trusted long time friend and was actually consulted yesterday on my behalf by my dear, sweet, amazing friend.

WOW!!!  - I know!!  Yes. It is crazy complicated. 

To answer a question that probably is in everyone's head: yes, we are considering adoption. However, that will have unique challenges for us with my medical history. I think (based on my bit of research thus far) it would take years and years (and a LOT of red tape) for us to be an approved for adoption. It's not impossible, but not an average situation. So, at least in the state of Illinois, unless a blood relative of mine or my boyfriend's has an "unwanted" baby we can adopt, adoption will be just as, if not more, complicated for us than what we are looking at w the current IVF/Gestational Carrier/hormonal- reactions that-could-kill-me nonsense. 

It is all, in a word, mind-boggling. The emotional energy is intense, the mental and spiritual energies, just as intense. We covet every prayer you can pray on our behalf right now.

Ultimately, we both agree on this bottom line: we trust in our amazing GOD (who is the Creator of life and our Savior) above ALL and know that He alone has the power for miracles. We just don't have a clear answer for what our part in the miracle He is writing for us is yet.