How FOF was Born

Two weeks ago Monday, we got good news from the lawyer. The insurance piece looks doable, not prohibitive. So amazing!!! It's a HUGE yet really small step forward. At least we can keep traveling this path and I'm so thrilled. 

I've had such an incredible two weeks. I feel so immensely blessed and ready to dive head first into the next steps. So here goes:

It's time to get down to serious business. I've said it before, the ART world isn't cheap. All of these medical tests and procedures and "hoops we have to jump through" - if you will - to create our little person come with a really high price tag. We aren't sharing actual numbers just yet (don't know if we actually will on the blog) but we will be looking at dead in the face of a number with an awful lot of zeroes attached. I've gotten a lot of research done so far, and we have a good handle on what's ahead, but each phone call I make seems to add about $10K for yet another thing I didn't realize we needed to do. Initially I was thinking the cost of this gestational surrogacy arrangement would be about $30,000 since I have a friend offering to carry for us - but we are above that mark considerably and I'm not done with research just yet. This $00,000 price tag is daunting. No. It's downright frightening! 

We do ok in this life financially speaking - SL and I live pretty comfortably. He has always been a provider and a saver, two things I admire about his character every day. We have all of our physical needs met and we are able to enjoy a lot of our wants as well, with some planning and saving. It could even be said of us that we have more than we need. (If you know anything about my SL, this is mostly true in the computer/electronics department. Of me, it is mostly true in the kitchen.) Part of me feels weird about writing this post. Because we are comfortable middle-class people. We do have more possessions than we need in this world, and we could just slap this outrageous price tag on credit and be done. We could take out a second mortgage or line of equity on our house (if the market wasn't so terrible there might actually be something to do with that, but right now, that isn't even much of an option), or pull from his retirement fund or investments. We talked about all these things and don't feel good about any of them. He says he wants to prepare and provide well for his family, to give them everything he can and wants to - not to go into debt to try and make one. Again, even though my opinion initially was "Apply for credit! Take a loan out. We have great credit... Someone will certainly give us that loan!!" I had to come down from my emotional place of desire for a child and realize his logic. (That happens a lot for us. Sometimes, as an emotional person, it really sucks being with an analytical/logical man. We are the epitome of "opposites attract." Really. I promise.) 

If we had a lot of time to plan for this expense, the way one prepares for a home purchase, or a really really nice car, perhaps the number wouldn't be so scary.  But, like so many infertile couples, we had no idea this would be our path to parenthood. No one painted that picture for us. (I knew I'd have challenges, but I never imagined how many or what they'd be like for real in terms of financial numbers.) SL has goals in life that require a good financial state (more education, retire early, start his own company) and we both want him to be able to pursue those things in the future - for our family. My main future goal has always been to be a mother.  If we have learned one thing about ART world - well, really about LIFE (no acronym there) - it is that nothing is guaranteed. We could do all of this and still not end up with a child. As much as I don't want to think about that, it is a serious reality.   So ultimately we think that, with the potential risks involved, it is unwise for us to "put it on plastic" as my grandma used to say. We just don't think that taking away from the things we have already established and planned for to protect our future is wise. So when we put all of those things together, I knew what we needed to do to get this baby-ball rolling.

So Brave Souls, that is the story of how Fund Our Family (FOF) was born. We are going to raise funds for our future family. We will of course be contributing to the fund at least in the amount it would cost us to have a child in a more traditional way. But there is a very big gap between that number and the "lots of zeroes" number that is our new reality. And that's where FOF is really going to be born, because right now it is more of a concept than anything. 

Tomorrow I have scheduled an appointment with a tax advisor to discuss all the ins/out/do/don'ts of this fundraising adventure. People do it for adoption all the time, however there are very established tax rules for adoption. Not so much with infertility. And no tax credit either (huge injustice in today's society, don't even get me started...I know there a people working on that front and I may soon join the cause.) In the ART world and with surrogacy especially, it seems to be that the main trend is to finance it. Or be a movie star or millionaire. Financing is not the wrong choice for everyone. It is a very valid option. It's just not the one we are choosing. So, even though I've done a lot of research into this myself, I feel like consulting a professional is the best option here - I don't want to do anything wrong in this department! I have a wonderful and trusted friend on board who is going to help me navigate all the fundraising and be the official host of our fundraisers. She is amazing and her name for all of you in the blogs-sphere will be f3c.  (Like C3PO, kind of...but more importantly, continuing my fascination with the letter "F" on this whole idea of Family building.)

These past two weeks I've been working side by side with my Fabulous Fund Finding Coordinator (f3c) organizing our first FOF event. We are putting together a garage sale for our kickoff event. It's this coming Thursday - Saturday. I am amazed at how generous the small group of people I asked to donate have been! As I've gone through our house gathering things, I'm just overall feeling good about purging and getting rid of stuff that has been sitting in storage for years. We have a lot of junk sitting around that I'm hoping can become someone else's treasure while helping us reach our little treasure. My living room and garage this week have resembled an episode of hoarders. It's coming together slowly into organized categories of stuff. It's been a ton of work, with a ton more to do before Thursday. I'm hoping and praying it will all be super worth it!! Prayers for great weather this weekend and lots of customers would be appreciated!  

This is the first of what will likely be many fund raising efforts. So there will be plenty of opportunity for you if you'd like to help us FOF. Keep up with the blog for updates and future opportunities. We are excited to allow you to join our journey, wherever the road leads. 

It Takes a Village, Monica.

Hello, Brave Souls. I've been quiet for a while. But I'm back now - back to ask you to please re-join us in prayer, support, and hope for our journey to parenthood.

We have taken a terrific and terrifying step back onto the road that may lead us to parenthood. I have a dear friend who offered to be a Gestational Surrogate for us back when we were still trying to get my eggs. (I will post that story in full at a later time. Suffice it to say for now I feel so blessed and humbled by her sweet heart and her family's sincere offer to help create a family for us. There is really nothing I can do or say to express my gratefulness to her and to our faithful Lord - who was the only one who knew we'd be on this road together today when we met back in high school.)

I sort of feel funny even writing about any of it now it because it's so unofficial at this point. We are just getting into the details and there are so many many steps ahead. We haven't officially accepted her offer yet, but are taking big steps in that direction. This week we are beginning to address insurance issues. I found an attorney who will review the documents for us at no charge (huge praise!!) This step is very crucial as it affects the cost in such a dramatic way that it will either propel our journey foward or pretty much end it. It is nerve racking to say the least. We are all anxious to get everything figured out because if this part goes smoothly - and it is a big IF - we will likely be taking bigger and more official steps into the world of Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART), Third-Party Reproduction, and Surrogacy.  It's a crazy world in there. We will need all the prayer we can get. And then more.  I'm not gonna lie - this ART, T-PR, and Surrogacy world is a very expensive and risky world. IF we are allowed into it, we will need more than prayer. But that's for another post and for when we know the answers to the insurance piece. 

So, this may seem like a huge jump from my last post. I admit it is! A lot has happened since my last post. A whole lot. Some good. A lot not so good. There have been really hard days and sleepless nights full of heartbreak and pain I know no words to describe. How one can be so sad and broken over losing something that never was is still a mystery to me. I was there (am still there in a sense), in the middle of all the raw emotion, watching and feeling it internally destroy me, and I still don't understand it. Nor do I really want to ever get to a place where I do. 

There is a certain quality to that kind of pain that isn't meant to be understood or analyzed. I've decided that this indescribable pain is the sort of stuff that breaks people - like really breaks them. Not the healthy humble 'brokenness in the presence of God' kind of brokenness. But as in it actually breaks people. They go insane. Ruin their romances. Begin destructive addictions or habits. This kind of grief is the kind of stuff that that breaks wills, hopes, and dreams. And it's a dark and dangerous place. I need to be removed from that even while I'm in the middle of it it because otherwise it's far too terrifying. It needs to remain a mystery to keep me safe from the depths of myself and keep me pursuing the God I know is ultimately control and in charge of even this type of deep, dark pain. It needs to be a mystery. 

I learned a lot about myself in the middle of this kind of pain. There were some really hard and ugly truths. I learned that I get kinda mean when I am sad for prolonged periods of time. But mostly, I learned that it will be really really really difficult for me to reconcile with not having kids. It's possible that I won't have them. I realize that. One-hundred and fifty percent; I realize it. And if we travel down every road that explores the possibilities and still arrive at the same dead-end trail, then I will have done all I can do. But until I know there are for certian dead end trails at the end of every road - I will research and investigate each one. I will pray and hope for motherhood in unconventional, non-traditional ways until I hit each and every painful dead end. 

I have never been one to give up on things I want. Some call it selfish, some call it stubborn. I call it me. Childlessness does not sit well with my soul. It just isn't me.

 The other night we were watching "Friends" - the episode where Chandler and Monica interview Erica, the biological mother of the twins they adopt in Season10. They initially lie about who they are because their files got confused with another couple and Erica chooses them based on the wrong information. They fess up that they lied and Erica walks away. Then Chandler chases her as she leaves he room and begs her to reconsider. He says something like this: "Please please, choose us.....I'm terrified to be a father, but my, wife, she is already a mother. Without children to love." 

I think that I am just like Monica. Already a mother in my heart of hearts.

So, all you Brave Souls, will you please join me in praying for all of us? My friend and her husband, and their two small kids, my Sweet Love & myself. The attorney. Dr. Feinberg, as well as her amazing staff. And all the people this journey will touch. Pray for yourself, as I pray for you, because reading this means you are touched by our journey. The old adage "it takes a village" has never meant more to me than it does now.