May Flowers

April was a month of showers, painful and revealing experiences that lead to real decisions. Decisions that brought about change. My very brief blogg titled "April Showers" does not do justice to the experiences. Let me try and summarize, on a more emotional level, the things that April's showers of my life taught me. (For future reference, I will use April's showers as a figure of speech that can be applied to the last 6 years of my life, or longer if you really want to get serious about it).

Growth. Is growth suppose to be comfortable? In so many circles the term "comfort zone" is thrown around. "You need to get out of your comfort zone." That's a typical one; I've heard it a lot. I think I rarely go a week without hearing that phrase from someone in my life. Not always are they referring to me specifically when the "comfort zone phrase" is tossed into conversation. Actually, that very rarely is ever brought to my direct attention. However, that does most certainly not mean it shouldn't have been. It was through the course of the last year, during the trials of repeated marginally successful surgeries and painful physical, mental, and emotional battles that I attempted to fight on my own that God broke down the decade of walls I had built up to create my air tight comfort zone. Reflecting now, only a 15 months after my last surgery, and still dealing with the physical pain, I see how purposeful every day I lived through the hell that I was faced with was.

I tried to do it alone. No, not tried. I did it alone. I pushed away people who longed to help - even the Lord at times. I had some of them "fooled" (or at least I like to think I did) into thinking that I was allowing them to help me. I protected myself because I didn't want more pain. I'd had enough. I have enough pain on a daily basis to share by the plateful, and I didn't want more emotional pain on top of that. There was also the motivation clouding my judgment that no one should have to experience this with me. "If I don't know how to deal with this pain," I rationalized when I considered letting someone assist with a need or desire I couldn't meet on my own, "what in the world makes you actually think they will be able to understand and deal with it?"

Sometimes I tested peoples ability to "handle" my pain. This never turned out well. They always left eventually. I didn't want the people I really loved leaving me so I chose, quite consciously, to conceal my pain from them (for the most part) behind a "just fine" face. I lived life normally - as normally as I could. I put myself far before others in nearly everything I did. Sacrificing things I never should have to meet needs of others that weren't my responsibility to meet. I pushed myself too hard though many days that turned into sleepless nights because the pain was so overwhelming. I couldn't close my eyes without physically seeing it there, controlling my life.

But April turned to May and brought along with it flowers more fragrant than I ever imaged existing. I am still waiting for them to bloom fully, but their promise is good. For I am convinced the freedom in the hues I am now beholding is a gift from my Creator. The gift of flowers, given to me at just the time He purposed, will grow and 0change my life into that of the woman I have longed to become.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
Romans 8:28