Busy Fall

We had a crazy busy fall. I hardly had time to breathe, let alone write on here. I was busy with all things baby as the birth of my first biological nephew took us all a bit by surprise when my sweet little sister went into labor 6 weeks early. Little L had a rough start in our big wide world, but is now 4 months old and healthy as can be. He's hit all his developmental milestones right on time or before, has 2 teeth, and is in the 85th percentile for full-term growth charts. We are so blessed by him and he brings us all so much joy.

Being a busy new Auntie &nUncle this fall (never mind all the busy daily life regular things) has gotten a bit in the middle of our fundraising efforts. But look out! 2015 is here and we're getting ready to roll out some bold new things on the blog and in other fundraising venues. Stay tuned... Lots to come next week! 

Second FOF Sale

It has been a little more than a week since the conclusion of our most recent FOF Garage sale. Happy to report that it was a good sale, with a good total for the three days. Our total this time exceeded our total from the June sale by about $250, thanks in part to some bigger ticket items that were donated. We are still facing a huge dollar amount for our overall goal. That seems so far away from where we are today, but these early activities have been encouraging. With time, we will get there. I truly believe we will.

We are already experiencing such generousity and kindness. These early days make me excited to see what the future will hold. Garage sales are just the beginning, Brave Souls. We have a lot of other things in the works. My f3c is seriously rocking it lately with her ideas and thoughts about future events. What does the future hold fundraising wise? We only have a near future picture laid out, but our brains are working overtime to think of new and exciting things we can do. We are planning to do something online with a crowd funding site; still figuring out the details on all of that but our goal is to have something up by 9/1. This week I'm hosting a party given by another friend, a Thirty-One; consultant. She is donating a percentage of the sale to our FOF Fund. We're thinking about possibly doing a movie night, a spa night, as the weather cools, even a few bake sales. These are just a couple of the things we are thinking of doing. I'd love suggestions of things you've done or heard about for fundraising ideas. We have some unique rules and guidelines to follow since we are not a non-profit organization, but at this stage, we need brainstorming abs fresh ideas. So come one, come all! Ideas - flow forth!! 

Fundrasising garage sales are a lot of work! I had wonderful helpers this round - you all know who you are - and we grateful to each of them, as we are to all of those who donated their "junk" in pursuit of our Little Treasure. Despite the fact that it's a work-intensive process to garage sale, I've enjoyed it so far...even more than I expected to at first.

After the June sale, we decided to do an "extra sale" in between the June & September ones scheduled in our subdivision. That meant a bit more work. First, advertising on my own was a bit of a challenge. We are so spoiled by the community aspect of our subdivision sale in that I have to do very little on the advertising end. It was a learning experience for sure! Also, trucking all our donations to my parent's driveway - an hour from where we live was no small feat. Another thing we learned is that without an actual truck, this takes about a week of back and forth loads of stuff we could fit into my small sedan. We (um, well SL and my dad) also did a lot of creative maneuvering (and endured minor peronal injury) with a donation of larger furniture we received to get all the pieces to fit into a mini-van. We are so thankful that all the large pieces sold and we didn't have to figure out how to truck them back up to our place! Seriously - how do we not know anyone with a big truck??? 

I meant to get this post up a lot sooner, but my body and soul have been craving a bit of rest from the hustle-bustle of fundraising activities. So I've been leaning into that craving and just letting myself be restful in my body and soul this week. We'll hit the ground running soon enough for the September sale. 

Team Dream Baby

As we gear up for another garage sale next week, I want to announce the offical launch of Team Dream Baby. This is all getting very real now. This is a big dream. We have a big goal. There are big plans brewing. 

First FOF

Wow! That's all I've got today. Wow! and sheer exhaustion. 

We kicked off our FOF (Fund Our Family) Campagin this weekend with a garage sale. We organized it all from start to finish in less than 2 weeks and I happily report that our first FOF event was a success!  We have a long way to go, but I am really encouraged by how well we did.

Here are a few photos from our pricing and set up. At the end of the sale, we had a "Buy a Bag for $5 and Fill it Up" special. Mostly my intent was to move stuff so I don't have to store it till the next sale, but the shoppers response to that was great. It moved stuff and brought in $$ so it was a win win! (I'd highly suggest doing something like that if you have a fundraising garage sale.) We probably sold about 10 bags during that "special." I also marked everything 50% off at noon on the last day. 

The pricing took forever. We were so blessed with such amazing donations!! Don't worry. This stuff was not all laying around my house. At least seven different  households contributed to this mess that has been our living room for two weeks! Scary how much junk we people can accumulate.

Sale set up was made possible by my amazing f3c who spent the night on my couch and got up early to help me open on time!! No way I could have gotten this all together without her help!!! 

I had several friends come help with the sale, one of whom is the gracious forever friend who is also offering us her uterus. (I should also mention she helped on her birthday! What a gal, I tell ya!)   Some special friends my former housemates, surprised me; they traveled for an hour to come shop and support us. Perfect strangers offered prayers and well wishes with their purchases. One lady offered to donate clothes she has from her children for our next sale. I had one man who is a neighbor, tell me through his tears that he could feel God moving in our story. 

Seriously, what a weekend! What a kick off! I'm exhausted and so is SL but it was all totally worth it. 

Now it's time to recover from the sale - we are finding these stickers everywhere!!! As we pack left over things in bins and get ready for the next sale, we are also listing some bigger items on craigslist and planning other fund raising efforts. Check back often for details!! 

The Forever Kind

In honor of her 34th birthday today, I want to celebrate my friend - the one I've been alluding to in many of my post but have not identified to all you Brave Souls who have joined our journey.  

I have a great story to tell today. I have a great story to tell about a great woman. I have a great story to tell about a great woman who was just a girl when I met her.

I was just a girl too. It was the beginning of the school year, 1994. I was finally a freshman!! I was nervous and excited at the same time. I felt fairly ridiculous in my plaid skirt and shirt embroidered with my school's name on the front. I had not been in a school building since the 3rd grade. So going to school was a big deal for me. Never mind that I was beginning my journey at a Catholic school, in a plaid wool skirt at the end of August. Also, I was not Catholic. I was raised as a combination of Evangelical, Assembly's of God, and Non-denominational Christian. (And no, I wasn't truant for 5 years, I was homeschooled in the late '80's and early 90's.) 

Freshman at our school had half-lockers. Mine was on the bottom. They were bright yellow, and in the basement of our school. As if freshman don't stand out enough, our lockers were simply sore thumbs that drove that point home. They were the color of big bird and stacked one on top of the other like the building blocks we played with in pre-school. To just add fuel to the newbie-fire, the rest of the school had green full-sized lockers. Seriously - with the wool uniform skirts, the mini-big-bird-lockers, the theology classes, the weekly mandatory mass, and the hallway that always smelled like marijuana - it's really incredible any of us ever made any friends. What's more amazing to me is that one of the friends I made during my time in the above mentioned chaos disguised as education has become such an amazing and irreplaceable gift to my soul.

The first time I saw her was at our lockers the first morning of high school. She had the yellow half locker next to mine. One of the first things I noticed about her was her equally sweet and shy smile. I don't think we said much, if anything to each other that first time we saw each other. We were both too nervous at that first encounter. Our newbie minds were overwhelmed with remembering the combination to our locks, and having to carry the right books to classrooms we had no idea how to navigate our way toward. (We weren't allowed to carry backpacks through the halls. And yes, freshman do gets books knocked out of their hands for just for kicks.)

We ended up walking to our first class pretty much together in a silent understanding of figuring it out one step at a time. By 2nd period, the sweet smiling girl had a name. Buy 4th period we'd been in every class together and we'd chosen seats near one another in every subsequent class in solidarity, if nothing else. When we were exchanging info on the rest of our first day's schedule we learned we had band together. That naturally lead to the question "what do you play?" We both played flute. That was the connection we needed then. The flute remains a big part of our story even though both of us have long since neglected the instruments which were our instant forever connection. 

We had no idea that first day that our friendship would be the forever kind. But we both now we realize we know the One who did. 

That first day we had no idea that we'd eventually be college roommates for a year. We had no idea that it would be through our friendship that her younger sister would become aquatinted with her now husband. We had no idea that I would attend her wedding months after her older sister was diagnosed with stage  4 bile-duct/liver cancer. We had no idea that she'd meet her husband and I'd meet my helpmate. We dreamed and thought of so many things together -some of which have become reality and so of which were just dreams that fizzled out for whatever reason. One time, we talked about starting a business together, but it wasn't the right time - perhaps we will pick that dream up again someday. 

I cried that day she brought me to her first owned home and on the tour announced "This will be the nursery, we're pregnant!!" I had no idea the closeness I'd develop to her children who now call me Auntie Katy. We had no idea that in October of 2013, after learning the devastating news that I couldn't/shouldn't carry a pregnancy, that she would sit on the couch in my living room and genuinely offer to carry a baby for us. 

As high school freshmen, we couldn't have imagined the amazing joys and horrible sorrows that life would throw our direction. For so many, many of our journeys through this life, doing it with the other would have been impossible. I am blessed beyond measure by this wonderful friend God designed for me. I could try to explain how much so, but fear my mere words would fail the task. I'm forever thankful for a faithful God who knew we'd need each other in this life. Who knew just how to knit together the ties of our lives "for such a time as this" - over and over and over again through our  20 years of friendship. (Yes we really are that old now..ugh.)

We don't know what is in store for the next part of our story. For this phase of our friendship. But we know the One who does. And we're all trusting that He knows and has all of us and the future of our new adventures together secured in His strong and mighty hands. The one thing I am sure of is that she and I will remain forever friends. 

So here's to you, sweet friend. Happy Birthday!! Thank you for allowing God to develop you into who you are. You amaze me. I love you. Forever!

How FOF was Born

Two weeks ago Monday, we got good news from the lawyer. The insurance piece looks doable, not prohibitive. So amazing!!! It's a HUGE yet really small step forward. At least we can keep traveling this path and I'm so thrilled. 

I've had such an incredible two weeks. I feel so immensely blessed and ready to dive head first into the next steps. So here goes:

It's time to get down to serious business. I've said it before, the ART world isn't cheap. All of these medical tests and procedures and "hoops we have to jump through" - if you will - to create our little person come with a really high price tag. We aren't sharing actual numbers just yet (don't know if we actually will on the blog) but we will be looking at dead in the face of a number with an awful lot of zeroes attached. I've gotten a lot of research done so far, and we have a good handle on what's ahead, but each phone call I make seems to add about $10K for yet another thing I didn't realize we needed to do. Initially I was thinking the cost of this gestational surrogacy arrangement would be about $30,000 since I have a friend offering to carry for us - but we are above that mark considerably and I'm not done with research just yet. This $00,000 price tag is daunting. No. It's downright frightening! 

We do ok in this life financially speaking - SL and I live pretty comfortably. He has always been a provider and a saver, two things I admire about his character every day. We have all of our physical needs met and we are able to enjoy a lot of our wants as well, with some planning and saving. It could even be said of us that we have more than we need. (If you know anything about my SL, this is mostly true in the computer/electronics department. Of me, it is mostly true in the kitchen.) Part of me feels weird about writing this post. Because we are comfortable middle-class people. We do have more possessions than we need in this world, and we could just slap this outrageous price tag on credit and be done. We could take out a second mortgage or line of equity on our house (if the market wasn't so terrible there might actually be something to do with that, but right now, that isn't even much of an option), or pull from his retirement fund or investments. We talked about all these things and don't feel good about any of them. He says he wants to prepare and provide well for his family, to give them everything he can and wants to - not to go into debt to try and make one. Again, even though my opinion initially was "Apply for credit! Take a loan out. We have great credit... Someone will certainly give us that loan!!" I had to come down from my emotional place of desire for a child and realize his logic. (That happens a lot for us. Sometimes, as an emotional person, it really sucks being with an analytical/logical man. We are the epitome of "opposites attract." Really. I promise.) 

If we had a lot of time to plan for this expense, the way one prepares for a home purchase, or a really really nice car, perhaps the number wouldn't be so scary.  But, like so many infertile couples, we had no idea this would be our path to parenthood. No one painted that picture for us. (I knew I'd have challenges, but I never imagined how many or what they'd be like for real in terms of financial numbers.) SL has goals in life that require a good financial state (more education, retire early, start his own company) and we both want him to be able to pursue those things in the future - for our family. My main future goal has always been to be a mother.  If we have learned one thing about ART world - well, really about LIFE (no acronym there) - it is that nothing is guaranteed. We could do all of this and still not end up with a child. As much as I don't want to think about that, it is a serious reality.   So ultimately we think that, with the potential risks involved, it is unwise for us to "put it on plastic" as my grandma used to say. We just don't think that taking away from the things we have already established and planned for to protect our future is wise. So when we put all of those things together, I knew what we needed to do to get this baby-ball rolling.

So Brave Souls, that is the story of how Fund Our Family (FOF) was born. We are going to raise funds for our future family. We will of course be contributing to the fund at least in the amount it would cost us to have a child in a more traditional way. But there is a very big gap between that number and the "lots of zeroes" number that is our new reality. And that's where FOF is really going to be born, because right now it is more of a concept than anything. 

Tomorrow I have scheduled an appointment with a tax advisor to discuss all the ins/out/do/don'ts of this fundraising adventure. People do it for adoption all the time, however there are very established tax rules for adoption. Not so much with infertility. And no tax credit either (huge injustice in today's society, don't even get me started...I know there a people working on that front and I may soon join the cause.) In the ART world and with surrogacy especially, it seems to be that the main trend is to finance it. Or be a movie star or millionaire. Financing is not the wrong choice for everyone. It is a very valid option. It's just not the one we are choosing. So, even though I've done a lot of research into this myself, I feel like consulting a professional is the best option here - I don't want to do anything wrong in this department! I have a wonderful and trusted friend on board who is going to help me navigate all the fundraising and be the official host of our fundraisers. She is amazing and her name for all of you in the blogs-sphere will be f3c.  (Like C3PO, kind of...but more importantly, continuing my fascination with the letter "F" on this whole idea of Family building.)

These past two weeks I've been working side by side with my Fabulous Fund Finding Coordinator (f3c) organizing our first FOF event. We are putting together a garage sale for our kickoff event. It's this coming Thursday - Saturday. I am amazed at how generous the small group of people I asked to donate have been! As I've gone through our house gathering things, I'm just overall feeling good about purging and getting rid of stuff that has been sitting in storage for years. We have a lot of junk sitting around that I'm hoping can become someone else's treasure while helping us reach our little treasure. My living room and garage this week have resembled an episode of hoarders. It's coming together slowly into organized categories of stuff. It's been a ton of work, with a ton more to do before Thursday. I'm hoping and praying it will all be super worth it!! Prayers for great weather this weekend and lots of customers would be appreciated!  

This is the first of what will likely be many fund raising efforts. So there will be plenty of opportunity for you if you'd like to help us FOF. Keep up with the blog for updates and future opportunities. We are excited to allow you to join our journey, wherever the road leads. 

The iPad Babysitter

I wrote this as a (really long) response to a Facebook thread. I thought it was well written so I carried it over here. It can't all always be about surrogacy folks. ;) The bigger theme here is balance. Balance is so the key to a heathy life. 

As a caregiver, and a bit of a "developmentally appropriate" nut, I have had to learn good routines to imbed a healthy relationship with technology into littles lives. My take is that for littles today, it is not really optional. Their world will depend on the ability to navigate technology in ways our generation only read about in science fiction. It is and will continue to be the way people interact with the world and themselves more and more as it progresses and develops.  

Technology cannot and should not replace hands-on learning and sensory activities. But I feel it needs to be integrated into the life and learning of children. I believe it is a balancing act of how much and what content littles spend their time using. It is vital, however for them to have some exposure so they can develop healthy and respectful limits with the use of technology as well as be set up well for the ever increasing roll it will play in their lives.  Therefore, with age appropriate content available and timers set, I never feel guilty about letting kids interact w technology.

Down the Road a Little

I have no news to speak of, no deveolpments to share yet. That's all still down the road a little. I just want to take a minute to write about some things I've learned in the waiting for this one small (at the same time SO huge) next step forward in this crazy journey.

There is a lot of learning to do. A whole crazy lot.  
I've learned a lot about what to expect on this journey. Third-party reproduction is no easy feat. 

I have much left to learn. Seriously! Every time I get online or on the phone to attack one small piece of this, I'm discovering three more things to add to the list. It's overwhelming!

I've learned that it's going take more research and resources than I imagined it would. See above.

I've learned that it's going to take more patience and planning than I have ever invested in anything thus far in my life. Which is - I suppose - good preparation for parenting.

I've learned that it will take a lot of time and determination, a lot of science and more than little bit of good luck. For every success story I read, there are more stories that end in sadness. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth throwing dice with these kinds of odds. But then my "mother heart" beats: yes. YES! Of course it is worth it. 

I've learned that if every baby came with the type of price tag we are staring in the face, there would be a lot less children. (I mean to make, not raise - but  raising them is expensive too!)

I've learned that I'm going to need to pace myself and stay realistic. ONE step at a time, Kate. 

But most importantly the last few weeks have made me very sure. Very sure I will keep taking ONE step at a time. Until or unless we cannot put one foot in front of the other any longer. I have been learning that I will need to be steadily resolved and very sure of myself and my choices. Correction: OUR choices. "Third-Party Reproduction" might just be a legal term to you, it was to me a few months ago. But now it means so much more. (The number of parties involved will be so many more than three in our case.) So many people involved in something that traditionally takes place between only two people makes it infinitely more complicated. In my opinion, it also makes it infinitely more precious. 

I've learned that I will need to be gentle with others in defense of our choices, and gentle with myself regarding how involved I let my emotions get in other people's opinions. I've realized that everyone I encounter will likely have a different opinion on how we are thinking of creating our family. We are doing next to NOTHING here in a traditional way, folks. I'm okay with that. I love it, even. However, I totally understand that other people don't/won't feel the same way I do about it all. I also understand that by being open about it in the ways that I am planning on being, I will open myself and, like it or not, the other parties involved, to the scrutiny of others. I've learned I will have to grow a little bit of a thicker skin for the kinds of opposition I/we might face.  And I've learned that I can only hope others will be gentle towards us if they feel the need to express their opposition.

So, in beginning and conclusion I guess all of this is to say:

If/when we make this choice, we make it for us. And for our future, whatever it looks like down the road a little. 

Baby Bottle Lady

Yesterday I was at the gym with Sara and we had just finished our cardio workout on the elipitcal. We went to the locker room to refill our water. There we ran into a sweet lady named Sandi who'd just finished a Zumba class. Sara doesn't want to do Zumba becuase she's not coordinated and so the three of us struck up a conversation about how she should try it.

"I'll look stupid." argued Sara.
"Everyone does. You should try it!" encouraged Sandi
"Yes, I agree Sara! We should try it!!"

While we continued  chatting, I noticed that Sandi had gabbed a baby bottle out of her bag. There was a yellowish colored liquid inside it. I tried to identify it. Maybe a soy formula, I thought. And then I assumed that she was going to give it to a baby she had with her in the little daycare at the front of a gym. But almost before I finished that thought she took the lid off the bottle (it did not have a nipple attached) and started drinking from it herself. It stuck me funny and I laughed out loud. Then I had had to explain myself at my humor over her clever protein shake container.  I told her how I had assumed it was for her baby in the daycare and was about to ask how old her baby was before she sipped. Turn out her baby is 10 years old and was in school. We all had a good laugh. The conversation turned back to looking ridiculous durning Zumba workouts with the conclusion that we all do, no matter what (except for maybe the naturally danced inclined among the group).

"Sara," I said "if 'Baby Bottle Lady' over here can confidently drink her protein shake out of her 10 year olds old baby bottle, I'm pretty sure you can do a Zumba class!"
We all ended up laughing and she will forever be known in my memory as The Baby Bottle Lady.


(Hopefully you get a chance to read this Sandi. And hope we see you back at the gym soon ;) )

It Takes a Village, Monica.

Hello, Brave Souls. I've been quiet for a while. But I'm back now - back to ask you to please re-join us in prayer, support, and hope for our journey to parenthood.

We have taken a terrific and terrifying step back onto the road that may lead us to parenthood. I have a dear friend who offered to be a Gestational Surrogate for us back when we were still trying to get my eggs. (I will post that story in full at a later time. Suffice it to say for now I feel so blessed and humbled by her sweet heart and her family's sincere offer to help create a family for us. There is really nothing I can do or say to express my gratefulness to her and to our faithful Lord - who was the only one who knew we'd be on this road together today when we met back in high school.)

I sort of feel funny even writing about any of it now it because it's so unofficial at this point. We are just getting into the details and there are so many many steps ahead. We haven't officially accepted her offer yet, but are taking big steps in that direction. This week we are beginning to address insurance issues. I found an attorney who will review the documents for us at no charge (huge praise!!) This step is very crucial as it affects the cost in such a dramatic way that it will either propel our journey foward or pretty much end it. It is nerve racking to say the least. We are all anxious to get everything figured out because if this part goes smoothly - and it is a big IF - we will likely be taking bigger and more official steps into the world of Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART), Third-Party Reproduction, and Surrogacy.  It's a crazy world in there. We will need all the prayer we can get. And then more.  I'm not gonna lie - this ART, T-PR, and Surrogacy world is a very expensive and risky world. IF we are allowed into it, we will need more than prayer. But that's for another post and for when we know the answers to the insurance piece. 

So, this may seem like a huge jump from my last post. I admit it is! A lot has happened since my last post. A whole lot. Some good. A lot not so good. There have been really hard days and sleepless nights full of heartbreak and pain I know no words to describe. How one can be so sad and broken over losing something that never was is still a mystery to me. I was there (am still there in a sense), in the middle of all the raw emotion, watching and feeling it internally destroy me, and I still don't understand it. Nor do I really want to ever get to a place where I do. 

There is a certain quality to that kind of pain that isn't meant to be understood or analyzed. I've decided that this indescribable pain is the sort of stuff that breaks people - like really breaks them. Not the healthy humble 'brokenness in the presence of God' kind of brokenness. But as in it actually breaks people. They go insane. Ruin their romances. Begin destructive addictions or habits. This kind of grief is the kind of stuff that that breaks wills, hopes, and dreams. And it's a dark and dangerous place. I need to be removed from that even while I'm in the middle of it it because otherwise it's far too terrifying. It needs to remain a mystery to keep me safe from the depths of myself and keep me pursuing the God I know is ultimately control and in charge of even this type of deep, dark pain. It needs to be a mystery. 

I learned a lot about myself in the middle of this kind of pain. There were some really hard and ugly truths. I learned that I get kinda mean when I am sad for prolonged periods of time. But mostly, I learned that it will be really really really difficult for me to reconcile with not having kids. It's possible that I won't have them. I realize that. One-hundred and fifty percent; I realize it. And if we travel down every road that explores the possibilities and still arrive at the same dead-end trail, then I will have done all I can do. But until I know there are for certian dead end trails at the end of every road - I will research and investigate each one. I will pray and hope for motherhood in unconventional, non-traditional ways until I hit each and every painful dead end. 

I have never been one to give up on things I want. Some call it selfish, some call it stubborn. I call it me. Childlessness does not sit well with my soul. It just isn't me.

 The other night we were watching "Friends" - the episode where Chandler and Monica interview Erica, the biological mother of the twins they adopt in Season10. They initially lie about who they are because their files got confused with another couple and Erica chooses them based on the wrong information. They fess up that they lied and Erica walks away. Then Chandler chases her as she leaves he room and begs her to reconsider. He says something like this: "Please please, choose us.....I'm terrified to be a father, but my, wife, she is already a mother. Without children to love." 

I think that I am just like Monica. Already a mother in my heart of hearts.

So, all you Brave Souls, will you please join me in praying for all of us? My friend and her husband, and their two small kids, my Sweet Love & myself. The attorney. Dr. Feinberg, as well as her amazing staff. And all the people this journey will touch. Pray for yourself, as I pray for you, because reading this means you are touched by our journey. The old adage "it takes a village" has never meant more to me than it does now. 

New Excersise: Thought of the Day

Sometimes I have these amazing snippets of consciousness and I come up with something that's mildly life changing. Or could be I only I could remember what it was. But most of the time, they just vanish into the abyss of my brain, lost there in half-thought-through-ness.  This phenomenon gets worse when I have to take steroids. The thoughts come more readily  while I'm on these damn drugs, but the memory and impact of them doesn't remain for even the end of the sentence to materialize. My boyfriend would argue that the it isn't the Meds... that's just me. 

So, in honor of self-discovery and since I had to begin a short regimen of prednisone today, I'm going to try an excersise in writing down just one small thought a day. 

Thought of the Day: I feel like the Android vs. Apple debate is a little like racism for technology. Can't we all just get along, be happy about our unique qualities, and bring them together for the betterment of everyone? 

The Holiday Break

It has been a long while since I last felt like writing. I've been emotional, overwhelmed, and just needing some space from processing. One thing I've learned of myself over the years is that if I don't write, I don't process. At least not the kind of processing that does me any good. I am feeling stuck and shut up in my own head.  And stuck is not a place I want to remain with all these overwhelming feelings. So I know they must escape somehow and writing is how I know how to unloose them.

Those who know me well know I have faced many sorts of challenges, but never a challenge such as this. To know, so medically certainly, so finally, that I will not have a child is a pain so nearly more than I can bare. Wading through the gunk of all of this word - infertile - is more effort every day than I ever imagined. So for the holidays I let myself have a break from it all.  It wasn't any less difficult, really. I just excused myself from the work of it all. I excused myself from "getting over it" and just tried to enjoy the holidays.

I love the winter holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, the New Year's hoopla. From November to January, for as long as I can remember,  I've loved reflecting on my personal thankfulness, celebrating  My Savior's birth, and being hopeful about the adventure and promise the New Year brings. So I tried to set aside my grief and enjoy it this year too. I couldn't. Holidays have always been, for me, about family tradition. This year the only thing resounding in my head at any holiday gathering was the fact that I won't have children. I won't get to create the family holiday traditions I've always dreamed of beginning and keeping with my children. That was the 2013 holiday chorus in my head. Not a very holly jolly song.

It's a hell of a way to begin a new year, with this chorus echoing loudly. I hate to say it, but I'm glad the holidays are over. So now what? Now. I cry all the time. What? (I'm a girl)  I'm crying now as I write this. I cry silently when I am grocery shopping or even with friends. I cry out and scream things to God when I'm alone.

Giving myself a break was a nice idea in theory. I don't think it was effective at all. So 2014 for me means hitting the pavement running with the business of "getting over it" - I'll need to work to understand and process all that I can. Then work to leave what is not meant to be grasped for the abyss of grief.  And if I'm lucky enough to wade through this muck without getting stuck, maybe I'll find a way to redefine my heart from this one that longs for motherhood into one that longs for something else. 

Oh, Fork!

My heartbreak took on an entirely different face when I discovered that my sweet man, the love of my life, does not share my in passion for our pursuit of parenthood. He is, at current (and maybe forever), uninterested in any non biological solutions to our path to parenthood. 

It appears as though we packed our proverbial bags of hope for this journey with very different contents. This revelation has brought our path to parenthood to a very unexpected dead end. Devistated is far too gentle a term for my reaction to this information. I am finding myself searching for a fork in the road that very likely doesn't (and may never) exsit. 

Hope: as soon as possible

I don't think there is anything that can fix the heartache I'm facing of NEVER becoming a biological mother. There is grieving and mourning that can and will be done. But I don't know how one is meant to "get over" a loss like this. 

I will learn to be ok with never having biological children. There was a long time in my history when I believed that I would be unable to do so. During that time I reconciled with adopting as my road to parenthood. And that was what I always thought I'd pursue in my future. And then I saw a glimmer of hope for a more traditional approach ....

In 2010, there was a doctor on my path who said he thought I could bear children; I followed his advice. I am angry with that doctor. I want to tell him off - to look him in the eye and show him my pain, my heartache. I want to blame him for giving me hope. (I also want to help him understand that if it weren't for his advice, I may have never taken the form of injectable birth control that ended up being like poison to me, the one that threatened to take the very life from my flesh. To tell him that I wonder if so much of what I have experienced in the last 4 years might have been avoided or different if I had never taken that medication.) l want to ask him to erase all of what I've gone through based on his advice. But I know that even that won't help heal this heartache.

Then there were other doctors who agreed that I could have my own child. And that gave me some more hope. Right now, I want to yell at all of them. Shout and scream and cry in their faces and tell them they were ALL WRONG.  Because now it seems this hope was false.

I didn't know that at the beginning. All I knew was that there was hope down this path. So I had to go there; I had to follow and see where it lead. For if not for hope, the human experience is entirely void.

For a while there was hope that I'd even be able to bear my own child - in my own body. And so I followed that down that road too. I ran a full hearted sprint towards the hope that would bring my dream come true. And even though I was slightly reluctant to hope against all odds, I did it anyway. 

The path of hope has been a long and complicated path. And at the end of the road, my hope fell flat. Reality hit and it stung like a bee. And now, in my head, this is the resounding chorus: "No. No. You won't have a child. No dream come true for you. Your hope was misleading you this whole time. You never should have hoped for this. You aren't good enough to be a mother...You are so foolish..." Eventually I force myself to stop, but it's a very ugly place and I am stuck in it right now.  

My desire to parent is paramount. And I'm determined not to let biology stand in my way for long. I will grieve. I will mourn. I will be angry. In some ways these things will probably be true for the rest of my natural life. 

But before too long I hope - yes I dare use that word again! - that my journey will come full circle and I'll reconcile with not contributing DNA to a child, as I once had done in my former experience. I will become a parent by different means than biological ones. I will reconcile and rejoice in the idea of creating and loving a family even more precious than I can ask for or imagine. I know it will be quite a journey with bumps & bruises along the way. I also know I want to start it as soon as possible. 

Clarity

Yesterday was my repeat follicular ultrasound, and we were able to see about my ovarian reserve. But unfortunately, we did not get a "good news" day. We got a very bad news day; a worst case scenario, end of the road kind of day. I am, medically speaking, completely infertile. It was heartbreaking to hear. It is more heartbreaking to process. 

I've been praying for clarity since this journey began. So many brave souls have joined me in that prayer. I am thankful that our diagnostic testing was very clear. I'm glad for the clarity but I fear that I am breaking apart. I really needed a good news day. 

There were two tests for me that were all the evidence that Dr. Feinberg needed to make this fertility potential determination. I failed both miserably.  There is nothing about this that is borderline or questionable. It's one of the first things I have ever experienced in a medical setting that seems very black and white. One of the tests was an AMH level. The other test was the antral follicle count. (The links provide more detail on these terms if you are interested.)  For the AMH level, I was informed that anything around 1 would be a "good score." My AMH result was 0.03. For the antral follicle count the doc didn't actually say what number would be a passing score, or a number she could work with and expect successful outcomes in the lab. She just said my number wasn't it. I have done my own research that suggests an average number would have been between 15-24. A number less than 5 means a woman is not likely to reproduce, even with assisted technology. My number was 2. I'm not used to failing so miserably, not even in the medical realm. 

Dr. Feinberg's facial expression yesterday when giving me news is one I will not soon forget. She was pained. She is in the business of and has dedicated her work to changing challenging fertility situations. She had to tell me she recommend that I pursue other avenues to parenthood. She also reminded me not to give up hope and said that, "sometimes babies fall out of the sky." It is, and will always remain true that we have other options to establish parenthood in the future, if we decide down that path. But I left the doctor's office yesterday with the knowledge that, barring a miracle of biblical proportions (see Abraham, Sarah, & Isaac), there will be no children in this world who share my DNA.

I am proud of myself for walking all the way out of the medical building before (actually twice because I forgot my jacket the first time) I broke down in tears. Today has been a sea of tears - salty, angry, and sad. 

A friend sent me this bible verse today. Psalm 34:18 reads "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
As I reflect on the last week, these words honestly seem a little empty. I know they are not. I know and I trust that these words are a true promise of the true God. But my grief is overshadowing everything that is knowledge right now. I am in a place of emotional brokenness that previously could never have imagined. 

Needing a "Good News" Day

I have a bit good news! I made it to 10/17 without the cyst scare from last week landing me in an OR. This means, as long as I make it through the next 1.5 hours, I should have more answers by the end of the day. My appointment with Dr. Feinberg today is sure to be an interesting one! 

The last couple of days have been stress-filled and just all around berserk. I could write a much longer list, but just a few highlights include: unplanned car repairs, bf locked out of house for 2 hours waiting for me to resuce him, was running 1.5 hours behind all of yesterday and was super frazzled all day because of a schedule mishap, forgot the beans & tomatoes I was supposed to bring for the chili I committed to making for a friends party, burned the chili, burned the cornbread. (Saved the chili. The cornbread was ok too.)  

I'm just hoping the rest of today is filled with good news and encouraging things because right now, I feel like I will crack in half if it is not. 

THOSE Days

It has been one of those days for the past 48 hours of my life. Little thing that have gone wrong at almost every turn have me awake now, praying that the next 48 hours are quite the opposite from those that just past. 

Some relief

My appointment today with my gyn left me feeling some relief from the craziness of yesterday. He assured me that the cyst I have now is not similar to the ones I had in July & September. He said I need to relax. We will watch it closely, but he believes it will resolve on its own and not become surgical. I am not in much pain and that also helps the relaxing. I am a little bit waiting for the "shoe to drop" but I am trying to relax and rest a bit.  I revisit with Dr. Feinberg on 10/17.  Praying for viable egg reserve. Praying my gyn is correct. Praying. Just praying. Will you brave souls join me in prayer?

Bumps in the Road

This journey has bumps. We are ultimately hoping for and longing for that to take shape in a baby-sized bump at some point, today the baby-bump experience seems dauntingly far away. 

The second opinion confirmed the first; that natural pregnancy is inadvisable for me. If we are able to harvest eggs (still unknown at this point) we will need to pursue using a gestational carrier. I won't lie, I was hoping the second opinion would be laced with magic and that I would be "allowed" to experience the miracle of growing life inside myself. However, I am oddly comforted today that two opinions match - even if to a disappointing reality. I'm not built to carry a baby on the inside. This saddens me deeply. I will need to grieve this point thoroughly in the coming weeks and months ahead, and maybe partially for the rest of my natural life. But it's clear, confirmed and true.  

If we pursue pregnancy, it will be in the form of what is referred to legally as Third Party Reproduction. It will be expensive. It will be risky. It will be stressful. It will be crazy. We still have to investigate a lot to be determine how expensive, how risky, and how crazy-stressful it will be. There is a VERY long road ahead even to get to the place where we make that decision. 

I am much more comfortable with the demeanor & communication style of our new doctor. While their opinions mirror each other, their approaches are different enough to confirm my suspicions that Dr. Feinberg is a better fit for us. I'm thrilled to be inviting her and her staff on this journey with us. I'm thrilled that she is willing to work with my existing physicians to figure out what will be best for me. I'm also comforted that one of her first warnings to me is that she has self-imposed, hippocratic oath based limits as to how far she will recommend we carry this journey. 

So begins the real journey. The legwork is scary. There is a legal component that (I think) would drive most lawyers crazy. There are physical, biological, psychological, and hormonal tests for at least three people (four if our carrier is married) that all have to be in line for us to proceed. There is an financial component that needs to be ironed out and figured out and funded. Then there is the risk/benefit assessment of the success rate and .... So on and so on until I turn shares of blue I've never seen. 

Oh - and, for those of you who don't know yet, which is probably most of you - there is this small 3.5cm problem we found today on the ultrasound. It seems I am forming another cyst. Just another little bump in the road. Or possibly a really massive bump. We can't know just yet.

I go for more evaluations with my regular GYN tomorrow. He's not yet concerned because size wise, it would have to double to be surgical. But I will be reminding him kindly that for that last cyst's occurrence, he advised me to " take 4 ibuprofen and call me in a couple days." That approach landed him in an OR for 2.5 hours on Labor Day Weekend removing a 9cm hemorrhagic cyst and most of my remaining ovary.  I don't want another surgery - to be sure!! But he was rather blasé about it on the phone today and I was honestly off-put by his tone. Maybe he was expecting a bigger cyst from me. I mean 3cm hardly competes with the 9cm & 11cm ones I presented with the last two times. Maybe 3cm deserves the blasé response that undoubtedly pulled him away from another patient. Our chat in the afternoon shall be a lively one...if I can keep myself out of the ER tonight. 

Sweet dreams, oh, brave souls. Have some for me please? Of bumps baby-sized and cysts that disappear. Tomorrow the journey continues and tonight I am feeling weary.

Crazy Katy Train

Today the newest member of my healthcare team joined aboard the Crazy Katy Train. I think the thing I will most remember from today was not even remotely medically related. She told me this: " 'Best friend' is a level, not a person." [She quoted this from a woman she knows who wrote this in her book & blog (sorry can't remember the name to credit the right person)]

I am so blessed by all my "bests" and I want shout it from the roof-tops. You are all amazing people for being on the journey that is my life; it is forever changed by all of you who care for me on that level. 

Welcome to my world, Dr. Eve Feinberg. It's a pretty great, incredibly unique, crazy-train kind of world. And today you made it a little better by entering it.