Pin Cushion

**********WARNING **********

Reader Discretion Advised

Especially if Intimidated by Needles

A week an a half ago I had a diagnostic procedure done to hopefully shed some light on the cause of the pain in my leg that began back so many months ago. This has been such a pain in my butt (sometimes literally) that I didn't really mind that it was an invasive procedure and that it involved things being poked and injected into parts of my body that are relatively sensitive. Namely my spine. After all, I've had about eight spinal taps so I figured I could handle this thing called a myelogram just fine.

Because this procedure is "invasive" (which I guess also means "expensive") I waited to have it done privately; after the Workman's Comp insurance company deemed my claim incompensatible. I agree. It was an invasive procedure. For crying in the mud, it was a freaking spinal tap, plus dies, x-rays, and CT's. That's a lot. But here's how I see it: I probably should have just had the myelogram in the first place because I've had a few x-rays and a CT along the way. I feel like some of that could have been avoided if we just skipped to this step in the beginning. I haven't seen bills yet, but my guess is "invasive" does indeed equate "expensive." So while poking at my body they also deflated my wallet. Great! I will say this: the experience I had with the docs I chose was much better than those of the insurance companies choosing and this: I've concluded that Workman's Comp is not an experience I'd wish on anyone. We'll call it a "learning experience" - but that's being nice...too nice.

The myelogram was the 16th. Everything went well initially. But a couple days later I got a very intense headache. And people, trust me, I'm an expert when it comes to headaches, right? Well, I don't exactly know what it takes to be a headache expert but I should apply for that credential I think, don't you? This headache which started last Wednesday is what they call a spinal headache and very different from what I experience daily. Let me reiterate. Very different. Okay so that's clear.

So if you clicked that link you learned that spinal headaches are caused when the CSF fluid...basically the stuff that's inside your spine (shorter explanation for what it really is)...leaks out of your spine. What I can tell you is that it hurt a hell-of-a-lot. And it made me dizzy, disoriented, sick to my stomach, and as time went on throughout the week I also got very shaky and weak. All of these things began on Wednesday the 18th at work. Some people think I went back too quickly after the myelogram. But I maintain, I really was feeling fine.

So Thursday the headache got worse and I could barely manage to drive myself home from work. But of course, I drove myself there just fine. See, I'd left stuff unfinished the day before. So then it just got more unfinished (I wonder... will I ever learn??) because I had to leave early again. By 10:00am the headache had gotten too unbearable - I think I got in at 9:00 or something. I called my doctor but there was no answer. I called the hospital where they did the procedure. Talked to a nurse who said to call my doctor. But I'd just tried that. So I called again. I left another message and then pushed through an hour I shouldn't have and was home by noon. Never heard back that day but I coincidentally had an appointment with the doctor the next day. So my housemate drove me to the appointment.

It was horrible waiting. And then when I did see him I hardly remember what he said except that I had a spinal headache (Really? Genius? I'm sure I'll get a nice bill for that since it was extra than what I was there for him to tell me!!) He also said that I was to remain flat on my back in bed and drink caffeine until Monday and call him if it didn't improve. On the way home my housemate took me to Starbucks to get a head-start on the caffeine. I'll always remember it, not just because of the pain, but I ordered a caramel frappuccino the barista asked me, "Are you sure you don't want a hot drink? You look cold." Telling him I wasn't and it was a long story I took my frappuccino and tried hard to look normal.

All that happened over the weekend was that I got worse. Only it was okay as long as I wasn't moving. So I didn't move much. Oh, but when I did! The shaking a nausea increased steadily and I worried my sister (who is a nurse) to the point that she made me call a doctor on call on Sunday (I think) and ask for drugs so I could at least eat something. Still I wanted to eat little and shook a lot. Monday I called my doctor who was conveniently in surgery all day. He had the doc who did the procedure call me and her advice was to switch from laying on my back to laying on my stomach for the next 24 hours to see if that improved the situation. I didn't give it quite 24 hours to find out but it didn't. Not even a little.

By 8am on Tuesday morning I was on my way to the ER at RUSH. My sister, who also worked that afternoon, graciously agreed to give up her morning and accompany my mother and I to the ER. There after triage and telling them my doctor had phoned ahead to alert "them" that I was on my way I was "whisked" (actually I walked) into a room and waited for a long time. It was pretty much just a normal ER visit. Until my doctors started pissing off my other doctors. That was kind of a mess albeit kind of funny to watch while medicated. (Doctors really do have egos. You'd really think they'd want to work together; they are in the business of helping people feel better, right? I wonder why this is. Maybe all people have this problem with egos and when you are feeling ill it is simply more apparent in the people who are caring for you?? I'm not sure. But that is the closest I've been able to come.) Doctors - and there were very many of them - became a confusing web of different faces. The pain, and then the meds they gave me for the pain were not helpful in keeping straight the 15 or so different doctors that I had contact with in my brief stint in the hospital. I guess that's what you get at a teaching hospital!

I would give more detail but the shorter of the long is that I had to be admitted for a procedure that could have normally been done on an outpatient basis. But since the doctors that did the procedure had no existing relationship with me and I needed it on an emergency basis, admission to the hospital was really the only way I was going to get it done quickly. Otherwise it meant waiting until Friday, or maybe even next week. So I was "whisked" (actually I waited for three hours) into a room and met my lovely nurse...Heather.

She really was great. Maybe the best part of being in the hospital. Anyway, I've never met a nurse so cheerful and helpful. I think maybe she just had a good few days. She was moving, I remember she said that. Maybe she was excited. I was too out-of-it to ask. Then when I did feel better she was too busy getting me ready to go home. Oh well, she was great.

So the procedure I had done yesterday (the 25...I think) was called a "blood patch" and I'll just let you get that info from that link cuz really I don't want to talk about how they drew my own blood to create a clot in my back (by of course sticking yet another needle in it) to seal up the tiny little hole in my "dura" that was causing all these problems in my life for a week.

The doctors told me the results from the blood patch would be instantaneous. I of course was skeptical. And they weren't. But about an hour later I felt wonderfully better. And I was moving without shaking, I wasn't dizzy, and I wasn't even feeling ill anymore. So even though they had to poke about 13 holes in my hands and arm to draw my blood...which for some odd reason absolutely refused to come out of my body when they wanted it even though I had an IV they were drawing it from. (And one last dark medical note: it's really weird to watch blood literally stop coming out of your IV while medicated...subject for another blog....) I'd have to say this procedure and even the stay in the hospital were well worth it.

I might look and feel a bit more like a pin cushion than I did before this whole ordeal but the good news is that I feel much more like myself again. The other good news: I think we might be closer to knowing what is going on with my leg. The "bad news?" Well, it's great actually...getting to the bottom of the problem and/or fixing is going to require more needles too!!

Not Saying Much

I don't return phone calls. Or emails. Or write on my blog. Or in my journal. I'm not penning poems. I'm not singing in the car. I'm finding that I'm quiet. Yes, me. Katy Schaefer. Quiet. I know, it's shocking. Even to me.

Last week I was on vacation in AZ to see the grandparents who are getting very on in years. I found I wanted to be alone a lot. I love my family. I cherished the moments we spent together. And we laughed hard and cried a little too. But I just need so much quiet these days. Which is mostly why I didn't return phone calls or emails. This week. But usually it's just that I don't have much to say.

Life is good. There is only the always of pain. Physical pain and I are not strangers. In fact we are too well acquainted. Have been for several years. But surprise! A new pain to learn in the last months has shocked its way into my system. I fear it may never leave. Legitimate fear for I've passed the 8.5 year mark with the headache. And I wonder if some of my need for quiet is just adjusting to the new needs my body has. The injury I sustained in November has been hellish and though my blood work is a good as it's ever been my body now seems to rave a revolt against me every morning. It refuses to work properly and I require roughly three hours to even begin to attempt a day's activities. There is a positive side though. Always finding the good in things, I must point out that my head doesn't bother me nearly as much anymore.

I think because I've been quiet and alone so much I'm more aware of when and how (and sometimes even why) I experience pain. It's been good to learn. Maybe even necessary for the battle ahead. Life is good. I just don't have much to say.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

James 1: 2-4

The MySpace Revolution

I am caving. I have long not been a fan of all this MySpace.com nonsense and refused to join the bandwagon. But as we speak I am creating a profile. I suppose it cannot be that bad. I work with high schoolers and am learning that I need to be "hip" and "with it" in media and what's going on in the world. Before the MySpace craze is completely gone and the next new wave hits I should figure out what this is all about. I held out for a good long time, but all good things come to an end.

Sometimes Dreams Come True

I'm buying the piano. It's not only a great story but a dream come true. I get it Friday. Couldn't be happier.

Psalm 61

For the director of music.
With stringed instruments. Of David.

Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer.
From the ends of the earth I
call to you,
I call as my heart grows
faint;
lead me to the rock that is
higher than I.
For you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the
foe.

I long to dwell in your tent
forever
and take refuge in the shelter
of your wings. Selah
For you have heard my vows,
O God;
you have given me
the heritage of those
who fear your name.

Increase the days of the king's
life
his years for many
generations.
May he be enthroned in God's
presence forever;
appoint your love and
faithfulness to protect
him.

Then will I ever sing praise to
your name
and fulfill my vows day after
day.

A Story of Steph

I met Steph on Sunday. I didn't know her before she introduced herself to me. It was random and our interaction was brief. She shared a difficult personal challenge with me and I offered to pray with her. She accepted and I sat with her for a few moments in prayer. I may never see her again.

I'm not sure how or why I find myself in situations like this, but hers is illustration of a few recently. Since it's been something that has been steadily increasing, I can safely say now that feel like God is calling me to do more of this type of thing. Clearly, if strangers are approaching me and telling me personal stories without any sort of invitation, I have to take that somewhat seriously. I don't know them, but God does. I'm learning just to trust that in the moments I share with them and learn from it. These stories could be obstacles in my day or opportunities to pray...so I'm making them opportunities to pray.

Before we prayed Steph was wondering if God cared about her broken heart. Now I think she knows He does.

What Will When?

Scared of change
I cover myself
and hide away
Comfortable here
in what I know
a wounded soul
afraid to grow

When you open your fists
When you open your wounds
When you open your pain
What will He let in?


Scared of change
I conceal myself
and run away
Comfortable here
in just what I know
it's enough
to go with the flow

When you open your hands
When you open your heads
When you open your heart
What will He let in?

Scared of change
I contort myself
and fall away
Comfortable here
in what I know
challenge
a familiar foe

When you open your faith
When you open your prayers
When you open His Word
What will He let in?

Out to Lunch

I was out to lunch today with Laurie. I wrote about her a few posts ago. She was my former piano teacher.

We discussed my agonizing decision about the piano she is selling. I mentioned I complimented her in a recent blog.

At the end of our time together she simply looked at me and said "Give me your blog again; I want to her how good I am."

Laurie, I'll say it a thousand times - I love you. You are amazing!

A Couple Tunes

Lyrics to two songs that impacted me tonight. Maybe you know them. Maybe you don't. If you don't, I think you should. Which is why I'm posting them. The first, I have to disclaimer...I only know the lyrics, haven't actually heard the song. Don't even know who it's by. And, it's country so I might not even like it. But, my best friend sent them to me, and coupled with hearing the other one on the radio moments before I read her email, the combination was pretty powerful.

Title and Artist not known(will find for credit soon)
You can spend your whole life buildin'
Something from nothin
One storm could come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You could chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great but sometimes life aint good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like i think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

This worlds gone crazy
And it's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all you heart
For all the right reasons
And in a momemt they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway

God is great but sometimes life aint good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like i think it should
But I do it anyway
Yeah I do it anyway

You can pour your soul out singin'
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yeah sing it anyway

I sing
I dream
I love anyway
________

My Savior, My God - Aaron Shust
I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at his right hand
Stands one who is my savior

I take him at his word and deed
Christ died to save me this I read
And in my heart I find a need
For him to be my savior

That he would leave his place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my savior


My savior loves, my savior lives
My savior's always there for me
My God he was, my God he is
My God he's always gonna be

Yes, living, dying; let me bring
My strength, my solace from this spring
That he who lives to be my king
Once died to be my savior

That he would leave his place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did
I Before I knew my savior

My savior loves, my savior lives
My savior's always there for me
My God he was, My God he is
My God he's always gonna be
________

Living in God's Hand

Living isn’t really a choice that we choose. Kind of in the same way as you’ve heard it said “You can choose your friends but you’re stuck with your family” in a way we all kind of just “got stuck” living. It’s not something we’re consulted about. But each one to whom God wills life is asked to do it from the moment he or she is conceived. It’s sometimes referred to as a grand design. Grand as it may be, today I’m struggling to be a part of this “design;” today it feels more haphazardly configured than I know is true.

It is in the moments when circumstances of life become so overwhelming that comprehending one more conversation, one more movement, or just even one more breath seems impossible for what might wait on the other side, that life begins to feel like a game played by selfish people who try to hide answers from you instead of a gracious God who has designed it from beginning to end. Trusting God with living through these times isn’t easy. It’s much easier to trust God and leave everything in His hands when they seem big enough to me – but what about today – when they don’t?

That’s where faith is exercised. I’ve always easily accepted what is true about God. Early in life I identified a gift of faith, but I know for some having faith in God’s hands doesn’t come as naturally as it seems to come to me. And I don’t ever assume it should. I’ve never had the desire I’ve watched in some of my friends to logically or theologically define my God, I merely trust Him. On the same token, I love that I have a God who stands to all that logic and sometimes envy the gift of knowledge. Oh, but I love to exercise my faith!

See, I’ve never seen God’s hands. I don’t know how big they are. I know how big they feel to me right now. And that’s not very. I am overwhelmed. But I still have my faith, and my biblical knowledge tells me it need only be as big as a mustard seed. Have you ever really examined a mustard seed? So tiny! And I only need that much faith? I’ll safely assume, in faith, small as it is, that God’s hands are bigger than any mustard seed. I think too His hands must be bigger than my doubt, even though today that seems bigger than my faith. I hope my faith today is bigger than a mustard seed. I’m not sure, but that seed is pretty little. I may not hunger for knowledge like some of my friends who study theology, but this much I know: with His hands, however big they truly are, my God created and moved entire bodies of water. Oh, and let’s not forget masses of land! I know that those have got to be some mighty great hands. It is quite likely, I will go on seed-sized faith, that no matter how I feel today, or whether I’ve asked to be living or not, there is nothing in my circumstances that will fall through the Hands that hold all of Creation. Just because my brain isn’t big enough to comprehend the size of my God’s Hands doesn’t mean that wasn’t part of his grand design.

400

Just seemed notable that this is my 400th post since I began this blog.
Maybe only notable to me. But in keeping with the title, in case you wanted to know...now you don't have to waste an hour counting. Thanks for reading - I love that you do!

Card Poem

Steam cable pie...
Orange Mud Faces...
Tomato Puppet Candy...
ragweed circus...
Chickpea emu...
daffodil...





Okay, so I "borrowed" the concept...but it's still a cool poem.
Amazing what unrelated words do when you put them together!
This would be a fun exercise. I invite you to try it.

Card Quotes

I bought a thank-you card this week.
It was fantastic.
I found it inspiring.
I'm sending it to a friend who gave me a gift.
I am blessed.

Shoelace feather cream...
Tugboat Cheese Brushes...
Slipper Mitten Jelly...
weasel pony...
Carpet mandolin...
bathtub...

I can't find the right words
to THANK YOU.

from an American Greetings card

Soup Test

I have always wondered about the way people eat soup. I think, and have long held that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he or she eats soup.

I was surfing the net tonight and I guess it turns out my "Souponality Test" (as I just now named it) would not be an entirely original idea. I hate how someone always thinks of these great ideas before me.

Soup Test

Piano Prayers

When I was younger, maybe seven or eight years old, there was a certain stoplight that I always prayed dad would catch red. Sometimes I even prayed out loud. I remember. I think the intersection was the one at Bloomingdale Rd and Rt 20. If not exactly there it is the intersection where Pickle Piano Company's window faced the road. I would pray it would be caught red so I'd get stuck in front of the window where the perfect piano sat.

For a time, there was nothing quite like a glimpse of that beautiful piano. Oh - how I longed for it! It was unlike anything I'd ever seen. I knew, even as a little girl that wanting something so badly was sinful. I didn't care. Every time we'd drive by I'd still pray that I could just look at it while the light was red. Sometimes I had to just glance quick as we went through the green light. But on a few glorious occasions my prayers would be answered and I got to sit and enjoy my blue baby grand piano through a couple panes of glass. It always sat waiting there behind the window of the car and the one of Pickle, begging me to pray for a red light.

One day, engaged in my typical routine of praying as we neared the intersection, my heart stopped just as dad did at the light. My piano was gone! Someone bought it! I cried.

The next time I went for my piano lesson I about fell over to find my piano - the very one from the window of Pickle Piano Company - sitting in the living room of my teacher's home. Jealous for a moment I realized I was a child and it would be years before I could afford such a piano. I resolved to rejoice with the idea that I got to play it every week for a half hour. I fell in love with the baby grand and all it's blueness. It's so unique and perfect. But I have always secretly...and not so secretly...for Laurie's known it all these years (that first day when I walked into her house and saw it, I'm pretty sure I cried again)...wanted my piano.

Laurie is one of my best friends. She is the greatest piano teacher I know. And one of the most amazing women I've ever met. She loves her family and gives everything else she has to her students. She's retiring this year and moving away. I am sad that she won't live close. I have been sad that I won't be able to go play my piano whenever I want. But not so sad. I have gotten used to my piano belonging to my teacher and friend.

Today I got an email from from Laurie telling me that she's selling her piano. Er, uh, my piano. I have no idea how this will work, but I know I have always wanted my piano. Maybe Laurie just had to use it for a while.

Ruth-less

Tonight I was playing Skip-bo with my family and this quote from the game deserves record:


In response to a play made by my Dad:

Me: Hey, that's mean!
Mom: He's ruthless!
Dad: That's right, I don't have a Ruth.


Don't know if you think it's funny...but I did.

Bookworm

I used to read a lot. I don't anymore. It takes a lot of effort now.

It's a sad thing as I love to read. I love to get lost in books. But when it started to hurt and become taxing, I decided it really wasn't worth the pain. So now, I read what I have to or what I want to or only what's relevant. Well, that and my Bible. I really wish I could do it more. I could do it more. I should. And maybe I will. I just wish it didn't feel like so much work.

But every now and then I read a book that impacts me deeply. Something I cannot put down. And then I remember the joy of reading...really reading. And just now I am reading such a book. This book is going to be more than worth the effort it is taking...and honestly, I have enjoyed it. It hasn't even seemed like so much work.

Every now and then a book comes along and it changes things a little.

This one, I think, might change things a lot.

Obey?

What I realized today when I woke up with a hunger to hear from God was that He's refining my obedience.

He's tuning my senses - all of them - to His. And wanting to know if, with all of the new awareness I'm gathering, I will still obey.

It's almost like everything I'm seeing, hearing, tasting, and touching is brand new. And I'm not quite sure where smelling has factored in just yet, but soon maybe it will.

Psalm 34:7-9

Super Bowl Sunday

The rest of Chicago will remember today as the day the Bears won or lost the Super Bowl...is it XXXXI, I'm honestly not even sure.

I will remember today entirely differently. I'm playing for keeps.
The time has come. I've waited and prayed for today. Revelations are a funny thing and they get so much clearer when you get quiet and learn to listen well.

I had know idea this was happening today and I don't really like the game plan and I wouldn't have chosen today. I'm terrified but I know God's got a plan. I just need to trust in His and not my will.

Pellucid

Today's word of the day via Dictionary.com is pellucid. Defined: 1) transparent; clear; not opaque 2) easily understandable.

I wish this word matched my insides right now. Unfortunately it does not.

What is the antonym of pellucid? Well, I suppose one was given above. Opaque. Defined: 1) not letting light pass through; not transparent or translucent 2) not reflecting light; not shining or lustrous; dull or dark 4) hard to understand; obscure [defined as in Webster's New World Dictionary, unless otherwise listed]

But I like this one instead - turbid. Defined: 1) muddy or cloudy from having the sediment stirred up 2) think, dense, or dark, as clouds or smoke 3) confused; perplexed; muddled. The Thesaurus goes on to list several other words my favorite among them being roiled, swollen, and smudgy. [defined as in Webster's New World Dictionary unless otherwise listed.]

The above, not pellucid, (though it is the word of the day) are a much better match for my insides right now.

Old Tests

Tonight I didn't do what I
ought to have done.
But I went back to my roots.
To tests. Very early ones.
And I knew what I know.
again.
And some of how I knew it.
then.
'Twas good to find the
basics. The Truth and the Life
shining alive
for me.
now.
Tonight I didn't do what I
ought to have done
But I know now what I knew then
that I couldn't even see.
I know now how God was speaking
and more of what He's been
saying to me
all along.

Matthew 12:15-21

A good idea?

A couple of times recently I've had it recommended that I write a book of poems with a supplementary "explanation" of the poem - or at least reason for it's being.

This could be a good idea but I'm not certain. It would be a good idea for all of you who wish to know the subject of my poetry. But then the subject of my poetry becomes less subjective and more objective and directly explained.

I still might do it. It's a good idea. It could be interesting. And well served for the subject of my poems tells stories that's hard to figure out sometimes. We'll see. I'm not certain.

I could call it "POETRY - explained : or something else clever like that."

Necessity

Comprehending revelations
comes easier now.
Straining isn't necessary
like it used to be.
At night awake to
knowing
exactly what
is meant to be.
For someone
else. For you. For me.
For days from now.

For free.
nothing wanted.
nothing asked.
and everything to gain.
so much sorrow
so much hurt
even in the pain
joy
escape
living
learned
Seeing isn't everything
and hearing isn't either
simply trusting
the letting go
resounds slightly more
now than is necessary.

To Try - To Rest

My rooms are all a mess. My heart is too.
My soul needs rest. My body does too.

I cannot be your strength.
I cannot sing for love.
I cannot hold on!
I cannot stay awake.

My room is a just mess.
My heart is too.
My soul needs rest.
My body does too.

I cannot be your protection.
I cannot shout for joy.
I cannot pretend in rejection.
I cannot even hide.

My rooms are messy.
My heart is too.
My soul is restless.
My body is too.

Growing Pains

Lately I've found that listening to God is tough. Well, let me rephrase. In listening to God lately I've found that He's requiring me to stretch and grow in ways I'd rather not. Several years ago the "buzz phrase" for this concept was "get out of your comfort zone." I think it's still thrown around occasionally, but truthfully I never really liked that phrase. Maybe if this were several years ago I'd be telling you I think God is calling me way out of my "comfort zone." But thankfully it's not, it's today. And today, freely admitting I never liked the"comfort zone" phrase (probably because I was called "get out of it" so darn frequently that the idea of even having a comfort zone never made sense to me...hmmm), I'm telling you that listening to God can be tough sometimes.

Though I serve a loving and compassionate God, His world, the broken fallen world that I'm part of, doesn't always provide painless, perfect pictures. Reconciling with that is tough. Sometimes, for me, tougher than listening to God. Some days I just want everything to look beautiful and perfect. But that is unrealistic. Listening to God when I know it's gonna hurt - or when it means I'm going to have to watch other people hurt - is hard. That's what's realistic. And I think it's what I've been avoiding lately. I know the heart of my Father, my true and loving Father, is not for His children to experience pain. But as much as I know that I also know that through the experience of and living in truth and breadth of the pain (whatever type) He teaches and trains us in ways we'd never imagine.
To know that sometimes pain - mine or another person's - is necessary for growth is not easy. Frankly, that kind of information seems unecessary. And it makes it harder. Sure isn't easy to listen to God when He "calls you out of your comfort zone", telling you upfront that it's gonna hurt. But you know what helps? Knowing that His love for you waits on the other end...kinda like a pillow to sink into when it all hurts to much to make sense of anymore. Which to me, is so much more comforting than any ambiguous "zone" anyway.

Just pray that I listen well. To His voice. Not to other random noises in my world. And not to lies I hear. And in your prayers also pray that I would boldly act on and obey what I hear. I think in the near future I might be experiencing some growing pains.


Jeremiah 31:3

6:36, 4:44, 1:21 and more

palindromes of time
allow strange things
backwards there
and forwards then
the same at the beginning
as at the end
in the palindromes of time
beauty is lost
or captured
the symmetry
there and then
happening roughly
every ten
sixty-second
intervals
in the palindromes
of time
there is a window
of just sixty seconds
- better count them fast -
where and when
in palindromic madness
the clock screams
sultry secrets
listen for a second
or more; dare you
backwards, forwards
what are the words
the palindromes
of time
ache to scream
in fantasy, flash-forward,
recollection, remembrance
listen in the palindromes
of time
the same
at the beginning
might in the end
different find

Another Surprise

The day you are in pain is not the day to push yourself to publish something.
Although I did get something of a cover letter written I don't think it's understandable to anyone but me...I found poems to submit but every magazine and journal on my list is goofy and nothing looks right anymore.

I wound up getting stuck in this...and making cookies today.

I rested. I did. Just probably not my mind as much as I could have. And nothing was submitted anywhere for publication. Maybe I will at least send off my cover letter for editing...no, I'm pretty sure it sucks.

Back to being fantastically tunknown. But a little further down the publication path I guess.

Today's Surprise

Took the day off work because my back is bugging me. This injury has been quite a surprise. Bugging is a nice word. I'm in pain. A lot of pain. I've decided that my standard of pain is altogether skewed and I need a new "scale" - this 1-10 thing the Dr. requests of me is no longer sufficient.

Anyway, home trying to rest, I became severely aggravated by the horrible state of my bedroom. Struggling against a disease of disorganization that's ruling my life, today I cannot do much about it for the pain, but I did clean off the chest/cabinet next to my bed where I'm spending my day. There I found a little notebook like the ones I always carry in my purse. This is the one I had before the one I have now; mostly stripped of it's pages but what I found remaining there surprised me today.

9-2-06
Yesterday my best friend called. She was angry with her
boyfriend. My listening ear and advice giving (isn't it great being a best
friend?) turned into a 4 hour conversation (isn't it great being best
friends?)
In one of the strands of conversation I mentioned I was
working seriously on my writing. She scolded me for keeping details of this
adventure from her. After I shared a few she lavished more harsh words upon
me.
"My best friend is going to publish a book someday and I won't
have a clue about it!" she snapped into the phone.
What followed
was something a little softer. Maybe she'd gotten that the fact that I'm
insanely selfish with my writings.
"It's gonna be so cool when I
have a coffee table book written by my best friend."
Later she told
me to just "...get over yourself and publish something already...your worst
stuff is so good it makes me ill. How do you do this?"
My biggest barrier to publication - to life itself - is merely believing
what my best friends already knows and believes for me. And what the rest of the
world (or at least those who chose to buy "the book") might if I quit being so
selfish.

So, surprise! Even to me. I'm gonna sort through some of my edited work and find something. Today. And mail it away. I really wanted to have an editor look over my work first...but maybe that's just procrastination I don't need to bother with. Well, I'll know later if I should have bothered.

Gotta write a cover letter and figure out which poems to submit. I've got some publications researched...now where did I put that list?? Today's surprise is that it's time to start the journey of publication. Who knew! Not me. What a surprise! This will all happen in between naps, of course.

Fast, Week 1

I decided to fast from music one day a week. The day will be Tuesdays. The time period is yet to be defined. Likely for 5-6 months is what I'm thinking. I'll know about that after my meeting on Sunday. My first day has been...well, quiet.

This morning I completely forgot that playing the piano is music. Since I create the sounds and they don't come from a radio or computer I think there was a breakdown in my processing it as music. That probably speaks to a much bigger issue in my view of myself as a musician, if you want to get down and dirty about it. As soon as the realization hit I stopped playing.

So I'm quiet. Before God. Without music in my ears. I'm also trying to limit my TV intake and phone time on Tuesdays....but those things I'm not completely cutting out. The silence leave a lot of space for prayers. I'm anxious to see where my prayers take me. I have no doubt that this is going to be good. God's going to use this time. For the ministry, but also for me. You don't realize how much you use something until you give it up.

Anger Pains

I've just been reminded that God has perfect timing. Today I feel confident that waiting on God is best. I always know that. I usually believe it. But hardly ever do I feel it. Instead I always want my way. Even though the deepest parts of me know and trust that God's timing is always better, I want things done my way, in my time. Not his.

Today was different. I saw clearly how God's timing works. When I surrendered and waited today, God demonstrated, rather powerfully, what can happen when I choose to wait on Him.

Yesterday I fought with a friend. He was stubborn. Really, really stubborn. I got angry, very angry. It was stupid really, as fights usually are, but I write about it for a few different reasons. Mostly because a piece of the resolve of the fight is the demonstration I mention above. Other reasons include processing, having record of the fight, and simply because anger as a sin and emotion is something I struggle to comprehend.

Two strong willed people with different opinions about a situation make for a great fight, I will say that. I usually don't fight. Anyway, not like this. This fight left me wounded a little and I woke up today knowing that I'd have to apologize for the hurtful words I said. Merely because he wouldn't let me do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it, I yelled and said some very mean things. I slammed the phone down saying I didn't want to speak to him again until he was ready to speak to me face to face. (Which was why I was mad, but it's a whole other story to explain that and not worth the effort. To personal.) Going against the biblical advice "Don't let the sun set on your anger..." I went to bed. Angry. Probably more angry than I've been in months. This morning I woke to the reality of the pain that anger causes. I had been wrong. The things I said weren't true. I was being hurtful because I couldn't have my way. I needed to tell him I was sorry - and worse - admit that I was wrong.

"Crap." I thought aloud this morning while loading my first load of laundry, "how am I going to do this when I'm not speaking to him? I'm really serious about that!"

So all day I prayed about what to do so as not to break my word/will (however stubborn and stupid it might appear, it's for good reason...again, personal.) I decided I would email him a very short apology, admitting my fault and telling him I was sorry. I began composing the email. The second sentence into it my phone rang. Low and behold, it was him.

Not ready to hear my statement - the one that started this fight, the personal one that I won't write about - he said he wasn't completely settled about the conversation last night and wanted to check a couple things with me. Essentially make sure I wasn't off my rocker. He's rarely seen me that upset. There's only a few people on this planet that have seen me that mad. Anger pains are something I shy away from. I don't like them.

Anyway, the resolve and the demonstration looks a little like this: I was patient today. Even though I wanted to be angry still I wasn't. I released my anger, confessed my wrong and asked God what to do. Then, I didn't jump on my computer and email him at first second I sensed I should. I waited it out and sat with my pain a little. Sin isn't pretty. It hurts. Being wrong sucks. But because I was I knew I needed to fix it and when I let God work that out in me today He allowed me to come to a better resolution with the whole situation than I was expecting.

In the brief conversation I just had with my friend, I was not only able to apologize for the wrong and hurtful things, but also tell him I'm still serious about talking to him in person when he's ready to hear what I have to say. (Which I've realized today will make that whole thing better in the long run...)

My experiences today, in some way, makes all the waiting I'm sensing feel worthwhile. And it's only just begun. Anger pains hurt a whole lot and truth is I hate them. But today I think I needed them. Thanks be to God!

Prayer Life - The Story

The other night I attended a worship gathering at my church. The ministry I'm involved in is going through a lot of transition. As I wrote on Friday, God's has me in a place where I've been thinking a lot about my prayer life. That night at the worship gathering I was asked by the director of the ministry to consider fasting one day a week for the ministry as we progress through some more change. I was quite honored to be asked on the basis of the fact that he had no idea where I'd been with God recently in consideration of my prayer life and practices, disciplines, and habits therein.

After praying about it this weekend I've decided that I am going to fast through this time of transition. One day a week. I still have to figure out from what and how that will look exactly but the decision has been made and I'm pretty excited about this journey.

I don't write this story for boasting rights. I hope that most of you reading this know me well enough to know that. Far from, "Oooh, look at me, I was asked to fast"- I even even debated whether or not to write about it for that reason. I'm simply amazed - yet again - at how God chooses to confirm things so boldly in my life. The patterns and ways that He's using to speak with me are becoming so familiar and sweet that I can hardly stand how much He's demonstrating His power and love. This time I've decided that I will actively and boldly respond in a little way to what I sense Him calling me to do.

What's your middle name?

Twice today I was asked my middle name. Both times, willingly I gave the answer.
The first time the person, a co-worker, said that they would now call me "Alexis." The second time the person, a perfect stranger (friend of my roommate's), responded in a way that threw me for a little bit of a loop. "A perfect name for the front of a book!" she exclaimed, "You could be a writer."

I didn't have to tell her, but followed it with a short conversation mentioning that I am actually a writer. We discussed my current process of trying to find an editor for some of my work. She started listing people I should talk to in order meet that goal. Then she told me she'd by my book.

Guess I have to start writing it.

Prayer Life

This week I've been praying a lot. This week I've been thinking about prayer a lot. Specifically about my prayer life lately. Just in the sense that I think it's time for a boost. I told a friend just this week that I feel as though God is calling me to a different threshold in prayer.

And then it happened. Confirmation. Just a little thing that made me realize I was right. He is calling me to different threshold for my prayer life.

It may not have been that little actually. It's quite a compliment and I'm reeling still from it's effect, but I'm gonna wait until I pray through it to write about the resolve.

Meanwhile if anyone has any ideas on some creative and practical ideas for fasting that don't include food I'm incredibly open to suggestions at the moment.

Minor Miracles

This morning I woke up late and arrived late to work. I hate being late. It's one of my greatest pet peeves. As I proceeded through my day it was ordinary, to be sure. My main task really as it has been for weeks now was to progress through the day, another day, without further damage to my healing body. Yesterday, a little over two months after round tables collapsed into my coworkers therein landing my back center-stage with the corner of one of their square companions into my back, my doctor finally decided that he thinks there is a disc in my back putting pressure on a nerve.

And then I heard some words I was too familiar with: chronic pain. Moments before those words came from the doctor I'd been talking to my physical therapist (who I'll be great friends with by the end of this month) and telling her how blessed I've felt to have the experiences with pain that I've had. "I am actually looking at this pain like a sort of relief in a way" I said to her, "I know that it will someday go away."

Indeed there will be weeks of PT and maybe things beyond that. The word epidural was also familiar; though if that step is required the location will be a little more common place than my head this go around. I know I won't feel "normal" for quite some time. But it is kind of refreshing this pain. I believe that it will someday go away.

It renewed my hope that maybe someday all my other pain will vanish too. And all of this made me realize that every day I live is a minor miracle.

Writing Again

So it seems that the bad habit of not writing has created a quandary. Now I come to write and I can't. Nothing seems worth writing about at the moment.

Here, I'm drawing at straws so I'll be horribly entertaining. I'll tell you about the voice messages I got today. There were only two, don't worry. I've taken to not calling people anymore. Sorry to everyone who doesn't get calls from me. I like my alone time these days.

One from my best friend who has mono. She sounded very sick and sad. I called her back quickly to learn that she'd received yet another blessing from her sickness. A whole week off - worry free. "Just get better" said her boss, "we'll take it one day at a time." (Just a couple weeks ago she'd been amazingly blessed with a lot of money because of being unable to be at work...long story...maybe I'll blog about that tomorrow...).

The other from a friend who's dad's just been diagnosed with cancer. Sad message. I have to call him back now. It's kinda late but I don't know that it matters.

There were probably more beneficial things I could have written about today, but my voice messages demonstrated blessing and sorrow. I suppose, if you want you can leave this blog and ponder the deeper meanings of each. Or you can laugh that I've reduced to writing about my vioce messages. Either, or both, would be appropirate I think.

Banner Blog

I told a friend last week that 2007 would bring more blogging. On this, the first day of the year, I commit to making that statement true. And so I begin, as I told him I would, with a banner blog.

Truth is I'm exhausted tonight and want to publish this before January 2nd. So there won't be much. But I'm gonna try to get back in the habit of writing for all of you faithful checkers of my blog. Thanks for being faithful even when I'm not.

I've officially switched to the new version of blogger (skipped the whole beta phase deal while I wasn't writing...nice to know that took a while) but I have no idea what any of that means as I haven't been actively blogging in the last several months as that process has been occurring in the cyber-space place I've abandoned. So there will be some exploring and some catching up in the days to come.

I just hope to get back to old habits that are good for me. It's not a resolution - I learned years ago that those are not good for me - so don't get disappointed if it doesn't stick. It could be just a set up for another potentially empty month...that could very well happen. My hope though is that this post should bring about more and that 2007 will be a good year for writing in general.

Receipts

It happens so often that I'll find
pieces of poems
thoughts - ideas, images...syllables
written on an old receipt.

Today I found one from Wal-mart.
But sometimes they are from other stores.
And sometimes they aren't receipts.
Sometimes it's a napkin. Or my hand if I get
desperate.

The writing, crinkled from the days spent
living at the bottom of a too-full purse,
is harder now to read.
And I can't tell what I bought at Wal-mart either.
Then memory reminds me it wasn't even mine!
Recalling the day I sat
frozen in place to write on it
for having nothing else
and today, sitting paying bills,
I'm thankful for the writing on the
receipt
to remind me what
matters most.

Bringing Sexy Back

I am Katy Alexis Schaefer. My best friend is Trisha Rae Aurand. This is us.

We are amazing women - no doubt. And from the moment we met we knew that we'd be amazing together. But something we both struggle with is feeling sexy. Education majors at NIU when we met, I recall days when we together eyed some of our classmates who had the "sexy lady" thing down pat and merely shook our heads which were concealed in our well-worn hoodies. Trisha is a 5th grade teacher at a highly conservative Christian school. I was a nanny until my recent job shift where I now have regular contact with high school students who are on staff with me at a church. To be sure, we have to be mindful of our appearances. The hoodies have therefore only gotten more wear over the years.

Trisha and I were both home-schooled and come from pretty conservative upbringings. But as far as we can figure nothing in our upbringing (except our mothers themselves...a whole other blog) has influenced our lack of desire to be womanly. But we run from our womanhood. We hid it in baggy jeans and the good ol' sweatshirts we love.

Until now. Now we've decided it's time. Time to "Bring Sexy Back." (Or really into our experience at all.) And we're going to teach each other. Because it's a lesson we think we both need to learn. We will undoubtedly emerge with more confidence. But even if we don't, here's the goal: to embrace the things that God has given us as women and highlight them a little. To feel good about ourselves. To learn not to be ashamed of the fact that we are indeed - if only a little - sexy.

Look out world - here we come!
Disclaimer: Whether or not on-lookers notice a difference matters little. We're not embarking on this adventure for another living soul.

So, you needed a break?

With a few days off in my near future, I went into work last week excited to finish out the week. My mini vacation just around the corner, I was pretty thrilled. Instead, on Wednesday afternoon I found myself being taken to the ER after a collision involving several tables in one of the storage closets. Diagnosis: Nothing broken, just a hip contusion - aka, really bad bruise.

I didn't (and couldn't have if I wanted to) work on Thursday or Friday and I learned the beauty of workmen's compensation. I also learned bruising a bone is incredibly painful. When they told me in the ER not to bend or squat, I thought they just meant not to do it much, or to be careful while going down. I learned quickly that they meant don't. At all.

After a visit to the Occupational Health Doc on Friday, he said I could go back to work. Just not lift anything over 5lbs or push, or pull, or bend in any way. So, even though that pretty much meant I couldn't do 96% of my job, on Saturday I returned for a half day. I was gimpish and had to shove myself around in a wheelchair most of the day because it hurt to walk. My roommate thinks it's ridiculous that I went to work and wandered around Willow cleaning tops of trash cans in a wheelchair all day. I told her it was better than laying in bed again, and that was literally about the only thing I could do with the restrictions I have. But, I'll have you know, such a task is not simple. I have a lot more respect for folks who use wheelchairs regularly after that day.

Now I'm officially on my vacation. And sore still - though healing well I think. I'm trying to ignore the pain in my hip, though "Hopitty" (as I was affectionately labeled after my limp) is gonna be a companion for a few more days. But I got an extended break due to this injury and for that I'm kinda thankful. Even if I must be in pain. It was all well-timed and well-worth it.

Today I'm planning an extended trip to the grocery store and then time in a cafe alone with Jesus. Then I have small group tonight - and I'm going to enjoy being with them again. I've taken a break from that recently too. It will be good to get back.

Tomorrow I have a great thing planned that I'll write more about then.

Living Time

I found a quote today from my favorite poet that rings true with what my life has felt like for the last little while. Thanks Emily. Sometimes your work makes me wish we could have been friends. Today, I feel like we are.

"To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else."

~Emily Dickinson

Fall Back

The clock near my bed says I'm going to bed before I left the last place I was. Though it doesn't take effect until 2:00am, have you ever thought about how weird that is? I'm going to bed before I drove home.

Okay, okay, so I'm twisting reality. Which is proof of how helpful this extra hour will be for me.

Thank goodness for falling back to sleep.

So I say I'm in love...

The other day when while driving it hit me. Like a brick in the face. I'm in love. I'd had clues. My life has been a bit unorganized lately. Frankly I'm a mess. Piles of things I cannot get straightened out. Boxes yet to be unpacked from my move...In July. And then there is the issue of the fact that I'm not writing. Not even in my journal and certainly not on here. My pen, keyboard, and thought-process are all at a standstill. What causes this nonsense?

It could be blamed on the new job. Sure, I've been busy with work. That sounds reasonable. Just being exhausted when I come home...right? Or better! Transitions with the move and getting a new roommate. Yes - exactly!

But when I realized that I find myself thinking on him often, wondering when we'll talk next, how his day is going, and even if or when I'll get to see him that all was lost. Lost to love.

So, I say
I'm in love
So I said it
aLoud

to him whom I love
to you who may never care.
to anyone with an ear.
I say, "So, I'm in love!"
and somehow
though I love
aLone

saying so
to you and
to anyone and
to him whom I love
brings peace
to the loving
in me
aLive

Prayer Promptings

I was asked tonight what prompts people to just stop and pray for another person.
And I know my answer but I want to write about it and I need some more data.
Where to collect that I wondered? So I had a fabulous idea!! "Start with the blog," I thought.
So....Could you all do me a favor? Please answer the flowing questions:


1) Have you ever felt prompted, during a conversation with someone to pray for that person?
2) If yes, did you act on that prompting? How? (eg. did you pray right then and there with that person or leave and privately pray for them later.) Note: consider that inaction - not praying -might be considered action.
3) What happened?
4) How often are you prompted to pray for people?


[Either email me (if you have that) or post to the blog. Either is fine as I know some of you aren't bloggers....Thanks for your thoughts. It might take a while, but I'll post something eventually about this again. Part of the new blog is going to be trying to get it more interactive. Just decided that tonight. (I might even take it public....ooooh!) ]

9:29 pm

Today is historic, or at least it feels that way right now. I've always been a bit melodramatic. I may've had great success as an actress. Too bad I never felt called. Maybe someday I will wake up with that urge - likely not. But today, at 9:29pm I did something that I will remember for years to come. No matter what happens from this day forward.

At 9:29 tonight I wrote confessions of love. I didn't keep them in a journal or a poem or a notebook. They weren't private confessions - the kind I with which I typically toy. No, Sir! I wrote them down and actually confessed them to whom the feelings are intended. A risk, yes. But one I was willing to take today, at 9:29pm. I love alone and I know the confession will be met by deaf (or at best, unwilling to hear) receptors, but my love grew too loud and it needed to be released. Right now, I want the entire world to know. Then again, I've always been a bit melodramatic.


I think I realize now what the writer's block has been about.
I pretty much hate falling in love.

A Time for Everything
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Time Hands

Time spent
for hands bent
inward
Folds over
distractions
of spoken visions
rived of conformity

Time turned
for hands bent
forth
Collides through
illusionary
replicas of
dreams aspired

Time given
for hands bent
back
Departs with
retired
flashes on faces
never known

Time rewound
for hands bent
out
Screams at
foresight’s
wishes in promises
once lived

2/14/06

Overhaul

Decided it was time for something new to do with the blog.
Hoping it will inspire me to write more. In the blog and just in general. My pen has been resting an awful lot of late. My muse wore me out in our last interlude. I still have to find the balance in making this writing thing habit. Especially if I want make it a career. I also seriously think I need time away - in warmth, near water. Something different for inspiration.
So, I started with an overhaul on the blog.
Ya gotta start somewhere, right?

Today I ate lots of chocolate. That's - in general - not a very good sign. I don't really even like chocolate. I need to go grocery shopping but I don't want to leave my house. Probably also not a very good sign. (I actually don't want to leave because my head hurts pretty bad...probably because I ate too much chocolate....silly me.)

I'm hoping this blog overhaul will help.
Something at the very least.

Full-time

Oh, btw in case you wanted wanted to know....

I am finally full-time!!!!! The long awaited journey onto staff at Willow World is complete. Hoops are jumps and everything is offical. My staff orientation is Tuesday. I'm working on FAST - for anyone who reads this and doesn't know - FAST is part of the operations team at Willow Creek Community Church.

And me getting a full-time position with FAST is a BIG AMEN. I know I'm where God's been leading for for over a year now and it feels oh sooooo good. For all of you who have been instrumental in this journey I want to give a big THANK YOU hug....but for some that's easier said than done...you know where and who you are....:-). But really, all of you near and far...thanks for every minute of your time and every one of your prayers. Your friendship and support has meant so much to me.

Now onto the publication dream!

A Big Blank Sapce

That post created a big blank space that I don't like. I'm too lazy to mess with it and figure out why. In earlier blogging days I would have. Now I'm tired and need sleep. So instead I blog about the big blank space.

I Could Be Famous...

I know I haven't posted anything worth while in ages, so I thought I'd keep up the trend. This, instead of silence. is at least very amusing. You should all try it - but you then have to tell me who you look like - k?

Almost Like Stomach Butterflies (Titled and Edited)

a little nervous
about my insides
tonight
all confused
tangled 'round
about my feelings
slowly finding me
and even more only doing
their job
to keep me alive

quite likely
there is something
in there I don't
really need
swishing around with
my daily dose of
pills
to make sure
of that it confuses
membranes and rememberances
that should really be simple
but aren't anymore

and it feels like me
with bones bursting from
skin
and it feels like me
with love aching to
spill
and it feels like me
with needings for only
sleep
and it feel like me
with shoes on
sideways


a little nervous
about my insides tonight
don't know quite
where you'll find me
come morning light
but maybe someplace
in hoping the pills
I'll have to swallow now
will straighten what's been crooked
and not working

because aching for love in
sideways shoes with
bones too big for my skin
leaves me with needings
for only sleep
And that, you see,
is why
I’m so
nervous about my insides
tonight


9/12/06

untitled and unedited

a little nervous
about my insides
tonight
they are all confused
tangled 'round
about my feelings
slowly finding me
and even more only doing
their job
to keep me alive
quite likely
there is something
in there I don't
really need
swishing around with
my daily dose of
pills to make sure
of that it confuses
membranes and remberances
that really should be simple
but aren't anymore

and it feels like me
with bones bursting from
skin

and it feels like me

with love aching to

spill

and it feels like me
with needings for only
sleep
and it feel like me
with shoes on
sideways

a little nervous
about my insides tonight
and don't know quite
where it is
that you'll find me
come morning light
but I hope the pills I
I'll have to swallow
will straigten what's
been crooked
and not working
because aching for love in
sideways shoes with
bones too big for my skin
leaves me with needings
for only sleep
and that leaves me
nervous about my insides

Celebrate

I've much to celebrate today. It's the weekend (For me it is anyway I think I'm going to love having days off no one else does!) It's fall (another thing I love). It's quiet at home. And of course there is the fridge. We must celebrate the fridge. See, my housemates bought a new refrigerator this weekend because soon we will have a new housemate.

I've not written much of where I've moved or how it came to be or why it's been so good. But little things like refrigerator, tables, and couches make this new home feel so right. And now with the addition of one more person I think it's going to feel even more like home.

I'm excited about this new adventure. Our new housemate is Brooke. She is a great friend and companion already but also someone whom I trust that God has brought into my life for now. To grow with and to love. To challenge me and teach me as I do the same for her. And heading into a living situation like this is completely amazing. When you wait on God the blessings turn up in unexpected and completely exciting ways.

And Rose and Lorne, our other house mates have already loved on us in incredible ways. With coffee, conversation, relationship, new refrigerator and space for our furniture. A demonstration of God's love, to be sure. They are opening their home, sharing their family and welcoming two women in their 20's to explore God's plan more completely.

We are planning to celebrate. I think it will be great.

Tears of Heaven

Sometimes when it rains I think that God is crying.
It's something that started when I was a little girl.
Maybe someone told me so.
I'm not a little girl anymore, but some days, when it rains, I still think that God is crying.

And today I joined Him.

I cried for what is broken.
I cried for what isn't.
I cried because I can - because I didn't have to hide it from anybody.
Because I didn't have to tell anybody.
I cried for everything I need.
I cried for everything I never needed.
I cried because I have nothing to cry about - because there are still tears for crying.
Because I'm lonely and loved at the very same second.

My Muse

I don't know - or care - where it's coming from. Though I hypothesize it might be because I'm getting rest for the first time in months. But now I don't want to rest. My pen. I'm writing like a cokey. Poems are pouring out of me like pee. Well, nearly as regularly anyway. I even think of more than I actually can write down. I remember this problem but it's one I haven't had in a while. And the truth of the matter is that hypothesize anything you want, it's coming from my muse.

As much as I hate this, I'm being forced to give up my analytical side and embrace the truth. I loathe this flow for the fact that I haven't yet - despite the better habits I'm learning - learned to control the inevitable times of inspiration that plague the creative soul. I am not very good at relinquishing control. Maybe I'm learning to just pace myself and run the gamete of whatever comes during this times. These encounters with my muse. They are very private times, very unique times, very stretching times.

Discovering my muse has been an interesting journey. I never used to believe in them and you'd never believe what it is if I told you. So I'm not gonna. Besides, if I let that out it might all go away faster than its coming. But it's so neat that I have a muse. And what happens when I meet her (or him, since I'm not telling who or what it is) has been so amazing to watch. Though I never thought I would, believing in this muse nonsense has helped me in many ways. And oh, but how I believe! How I believe!!

Muse
who for to
I sing each night
Dancing, praying, crooning.
Flying unseen
into my conscious state.
I see you. I know you. I demand
you. Come and share!
Your knowledge. Vast. Give it now
unto my hand.
That I might know you
Better. Oh muse
I beg you speak
Fly into unseen things
Inside, bounded up in me,
and
take from without as well.
Make with me the love
you wish -
the heart you left
the souls you keep
are part of me now
just as they were
part of you.

Oh Muse who for I
was slow to know
Forgive my leisurely
discovery.
Welcome home. Now you may
demand of me just as I of you.

Get a Grip

I hate coming to grips with reality. It's never fun for me. I like to make up fantastic stories. They, I find, are more fun. The truth is I'm not a good fiction writer...at least not yet, but in one of those stories I'm a famous writer. Widely published, well known, sought-after...And then there's reality.

And in reality I had to give up my writing gig; I wasn't cut out for it. At least not now. Probably not ever. Not that one anyway. I am not a journalist. I gave that idea up eight years ago when I went to college to pursue a degree in journalism but learned that wasn't me. I took it up thinking I could do a little reporting - but no. Not even close. It was a nightmare.

Reality is that I think like a poet. Embracing that is learning to call myself one. Because I am. Look on my hard drive and you will see that a majority of my writing - and a lot of it - is poems. Are they published? No. But that's because I'm scared to try. But tonight I faced reality. Scared poets are still poets. They are just poets who nobody knows about.

And maybe that's what I've wanted all along. Emily Dickinson has always been one of my greatest influences. And her work, though somewhat known, did gain most of its merit posthumously. A friend of mine actually told me once that, "...who knows, you could be like C.S. Lewis.” His writing also increased in popularity after his death. Things like this could have contributed to the unpublished stated of this poet.

Don't freak out on me and think I'm planning on dying to get famous (although that would make a great story, I'm not prepared enough for that...I've recently realized that if I ever want anything in print I've got a lot of work to do with what I've got...and I don't write fiction yet but I'd like to someday so I'll save that for a book). But I have finally recognized what - or more accurately who - I am. A poet who has woken to reality. Who sees it differently than most and writes it all down. Someday soon maybe I'll learn how to be a poet who shares my reality.

Fine Line

Have you ever just known that something is right? And then knowing, gone for it, stuck your neck out on the line, jumped in head first nearly careless of the result?

Sometimes in life there are things we must do. I hope you know what I mean. Me? I'm tired of second guessing everything. For whatever reason. Especially those things I know are right. There is caution and cowardice and I think I'm towing the line these days.

Finishing

Today I finished a poem I started a while ago.

It's not a long poem, It's maybe not even a good poem. It just is a poem. It's a poem that just took me a while to gather the pieces of in a comprehensive format. Thinking back I've actually been working on this poem since about April. That feels like a long time. A three-fold revelation: I am refining my craft, not simply settling for the first things that pop into my head. I'm developing patience with myself, learning to wait out good results instead of force things that aren't ready to be yet. And the power of finishing - when I wait that long in between idea and final product it's rare that I get results.

There was extrinsic motivation to get this one finished; though indeed somewhat self-propelled it has probably been there all along. However the extrinsic force didn't tend to pull as hard as the intrinsic one did. Since inception I knew it would be a fun poem to write and present when the time was right. It just so happens that a couple of weeks from now there is a well-timed event that will allow for its presentation. Hopefully I can wait that long.

Finishing just feels good. The rest hardly matters.

Summer Blog

Warning!!!! The blog you are about to read contains plagiarism. Title, content, and full paragraphs have been stolen without authorization from the author. She just so happens to be my best friend, and apparently, like usual, in my head, because something like this was exactly what I planned to write today.

Seems that I can't find the inspiration to even jot down blog ideas these days. Not for lack of topics. I find myself consistently and constantly thinking, "I should blog about that." I never quite get around to it. Life is better when I blog about it...Because I slow down enough to think about the nuances and immensities of life. And it's just good for me to write down something, anything.

I noticed the other day that I haven't been talking as much lately. My phone doesn't ring as often and I just really don't care to pick it up to call anyone either. I'm not sure yet what that's an indication of. Maybe I am stressed. It could have to do with the "mood altering" drugs I am once again on to treat a lupus flare. But I noticed the other day that I'm learning to keep things to myself. And my quiet summer taught me the value in that.I am unpacking from last weekend's move to my new home. A new environment. One that fits well from all four sides. The four sides would be mine and my three new housemates Rose, Lorne, and Kaitlyn. Everyone is on the move here as the Iverson's have just sold their other home. So the unpacking is in full fling. But I think we're all looking forward to what God's going to do as the bubble wrap and boxes come undone. Have you ever noticed how disruptively peaceful moving is? Packing life into boxes, organizing, cleaning out closets, tossing away things that haven’t been used or looked at in months (or years), visiting memories – good and painful, wrapping fragile keepsakes in newsprint, and then unpacking and organizing it all on the other end. One might think I had an obscure fascination with it all for as often as tend to do it. That one might be correct. I would really like to stay put for a bit. I want for consistency in a living space. But the good news is I'm learning there's more purpose to my moves than I tend to realize. And I'm done asking why. I'm just getting up and going. (Time to get less stuff!)

Today was a gorgeous example of fun at work. Which made this summer full of work almost entirely worth every moment. My new job is a great time - I feel like a kid again working there. At work today (kinda) I got to ride in a Jeep (and don't worry I learned the hard way not to call it a car) that was too high for me to get into without help and then the driver of said Jeep demonstrated a wheely for his passengers. "NOT SAFE!!!" my inner nanny and grown-up screamed. "But what Fuuunnn!!" soared the teenager who never really had a chance to catch her breath. Then we ate pizza and went bowling. It was a staff appreciation day of sorts as we prepare to run ragged next week at the Summit. Suggestion - when you say "yes" to God it's usually never a good idea to follow with a qualifier of any sort. Statements such as, "I'll do anything but work with _____." usually end up with God filling in that blank just the way you did. In my case I got a little lucky. The blank is a different word than the one I had there; but it means the same thing. This summer has been much about showing me that He's wired me for this job in ways I wasn't ready to see before now.

While working today I signed up for an "extra" shift next week for the conference. And suddenly realized that I worked away another beautiful summer day. That's really all I've done this summer. I've been insanely busy. I would just like to remind the vast audience of readers that there is a sure way to get on my good side for the remaining days of summer. Encourage me to have fun. Maybe even make me make time for it. Somehow I've forgotten how. That is of course, if you are looking for ways to get on my good side. ;-)

I am also working this weekend, but not before enjoying my one glorious day off tomorrow. As I head into the last week of the life I have known as a nanny the plan is to organize, write, be so busy with the conference that I’m going to want to die, and hang out with friends. To whom I may talk. But not very much. Because my summer has been excellent; probably the most obvious reason for my less frequently moving mouth. I might be stressed. In fact, yes. I am. And yet, my life is sweet. I'm savoring the changes. They are something great because they started an amazing place. So many many changes this summer. And sometimes when your mouth is moving, change is harder to absorb. I have loved this summer. I am looking forward to a new start. A new job. A new home. A new beginning. What do I have to worry about?

See, I told you. Blogging is good for me. I feel free again. Thanks.

Rejoice in Today...again

That afternoon I spent with Anna about a month ago came rushing back to me today as I stopped by my folks house this evening to find that she'd sent me a gift.

A card. And a couple little gift books. It seems our afternoon meant a lot to her also. I think I'll have to keep in touch with her.

Just a reminder that you never know whose life you'll affect with an act of kindness. Go out of your way for someone today. It's worth it - even if you don't get anything back.

Filled-Up

How old are you
doesn't matter to me
when you hold a water
balloon.
Oval - almost -
and squishy - sort of -
floppy like.
Sometimes breaking before they land.
Transending
tosses made by young
or older.

Do you want to get wet?
Don't run away.
Just throw it on the ground.
Now I'm gonna get you!
It's a hot summer day
And we have a cooler
full of water balloons.
Just for us.
Let's play!

Last Sunday in the Castle of Mirrors

As I drove home from work today I realized that this is my last Sunday here. Here in this place that has been home for the last 10 months. My little Castle of Mirrors. Here where I have sought and learned from God in amazing moments of solitude and silence. For the last two months I haven’t been asking when or how; instead who it is I am becoming. It has been a paradigm shift but one long overdue. With the realization sadness set in for a moment. Part of me has been stuck in that moment all day.

This place has changed so much for me. Well, the place hasn’t actually had so much to do with the changes but it’s certainly had a lot to do with making me see them. There are mirrors on all the closet doors here. At first I saw myself in them all the time. Frankly, when I first moved in it would creep me out to see myself in all the closets. Soon I began to walk past my reflection without a glance. It didn’t take long to figure out I didn’t want to look for seeing something I didn’t want to deal with. What I saw weren’t typical body image issues that women tend to struggle with – though I’m not entirely immune to those – I’ve been struggling with things while living here that I’ll term ­spiritual image issues. I couldn’t or wouldn’t see the truth of my reflection in Christ. The mirrors in this place, especially the ones in my bathroom to which my closet is adjacent, showed me truth about myself that I had been blind to for too long. It was there that God began to allow me to see His true reflection in my life. That, in part because for the first time period in my life I began to truly care for myself, He was ready to reveal Himself to me in new ways. I learned to invest in me. To learn – for me – what it means to live the plans that God has for me. To shine as His servant when I left my mirrored castle of reflective love.

This place is going to be hard to leave because of the reflections of God I’ve seen here. In myself. Honestly before I moved here I never thought I would see, much less believe, the things I do now about myself. There are multiple factors (and also lots of people) involved in that process, but I know that the formation of it all began with the mirrors in this house. The ones that let me see, maybe accurately for the first time, the reflection of Christ that I’ve chosen to be.

While I’ve been working hard on the inside and on the outside to get some stuff sorted out in the last several months I’ve learned an invaluable lesson. I cannot do enough. Ever. The hardest part of the required of all of the changes came at the beginning. The difficulties were in complete surrender. My surrender was a long time in coming; mostly because I never believed God could use me. But I’ll always remember the day like a photograph of a best friend. I finally let go completely and laid it all down, the only thing I have left to do is daily begin with that same choice. Will I give my day over to the One who has asked me to be His? Will I honor him with my firsts and lasts of the day? Will I choose to be joyful during and through all the confusing circumstances?

So I’ve been stuck in the moment of my last Sunday here all day. And it comes to a close soon. Not much can be done about the confusing circumstance of the passage of time. I didn’t choose that. If granted the power I might choose to undo some of the circumstances that mandated my change in location; I have no such grant. Instead it is with an anticipatory heart I choose to embrace what awaits. I’ve grown to love this place, just like some of the other places I’ve had to love and leave, but I am again moving. It seems that’s just what I do. I am done questioning. I’m now accepting and learning and watching. I am I’m seeing newly. Especially the fact that there is more purpose to these apparently random life-shifts and random moves that happen for me than I like to believe at the onset. This is my last Sunday here in my Castle of Mirrors and I, stuck in a very long moment of sadness, rejoice in today.

Rejoice in Today

Yesterday I met a woman named Anna. She lives in Denver and she's in town visiting my family. She's the mother-in-law of a good friend of my mother's. Follow that? Today her son and daughter went to spend the day with some of his family and she was going to have the afternoon alone, so I decided to spend time with her.

We met over lunch and as I spent the afternoon with this eight-five year old woman I met yesterday, as I listened and got to know her story, I realized the treasure of getting to know someone who has lived so much life. Over pizza we chatted. She told me about her children, her work experiences, about being widowed relatively young, and other personal perceptions she held. (I got to hear some "secrets"... things she says she doesn't really talk about much.) I mostly sat across the table and listened. I'd just simply asked her what she'd like to tell me. But by the end of our time together I realized that she had given me wonderful advice without even knowing it; just by sharing her life with me.

Anna also told me a great story about playing a trick on one of her girlfriends. This other woman, also named Anna, invited Anna over for tea. Once the tea , drank from antique cups was over, the Anna who'd done the inviting made Anna stop cleaning up the tea set for fear that she would break the expensive and now valuable things. Anna, to make a point in what she admitted was somewhat of a mean way, invited the other Anna over the next week for tea. They drank from a tea set that Anna had tucked away in storage that was both older and more expensive than the one the other Anna wouldn't let Anna touch. This story helped me with the reailty of getting old. After hearing stuff like that I don't think getting old is going to be so bad.

This morning as I was getting ready for our lunch date, I prayed that God would prepare me. I didn't know this woman at all and her daughter, well, let's just say she doesn't have the same set of beliefs or faith I do. So I was a little nervous, wondering what I'd encounter with Anna. But I gave that over to the Lord and trusted Him to bless the afternoon regardless of Anna's religious convictions. Toward the end of our conversation I found out that she believes in God. We didn't get deep into conversation about faith, but she told me a brief story about how she believes in the power of prayer; that she knows and believes that God literally saved her life one night when her heart was acting up. To hear her give thanks to God for her life was uplifting and sweet. And for some reason, in the moment she told me that story I was reminded of Psalm 84:10. "Better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked."

Old ladies are great fun – try listening to one if you haven't lately. She will likely make you laugh. And, if you let her, she will help you realize a lot about life that you didn't see that morning when you woke up. Age, they say, is a good teacher. "I wonder what would happen if more "girls" my age " I asked Anna as we parted this afternoon, "spent an afternoon with a woman like you." "Yes." she refelcted, "so do I." Yesterday when I met her I didn't know I'd spend my day with Anna. But what a good day it was. What a great way to be surprised by the Lord!

"This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

Break-vation

I'm sort of in the middle of my "break-vation". That's the term, for those of you who don't know, that I'd attached to the week I've had off. It's actually more than half over but it feels like the middle.

Break-vation: A break from work that is not actually a vacation. On a break-vation one takes times to get done things that need to get done. Only requirement are some times of solitude. Inside. Outside. Upside. Downside. Rightside. Leftside. Wrongside too.

As you may imagine, Break-vation is not quite a normal vacation. There are no beaches involved. No mountains. Though I did get to swim for the frist time this summer. But this break-vation was necessary to slow down the insane pace of life I have managed to keep up and examine how things are working. Or more acurately how they aren't. I've been a little emotional. In particular today has been difficult. Hopefully things will look brighter in the morning.

Tomorrow and Wednesday I have "out of town" plans. For solitude. But on "break-vation" "out of town" is really open to interpretation. Pray for sun. I want to at least go outside.

Milwaukee County War Memorial

Yesterday I went to a wedding here. A very unique place that reminded me of a maze. Lots of stairs. But a nice place for a wedding I decided.

My friend Katie Herlihy (but now Kovac) who chose the place for her wedding made a good choice. I liked it. It was beautiful. Wedding vows exchanged on a rooftop with the background of sailboats on Lake Michigan. Not much beats that in my book.

My book? My day... Now wait a minute! Why is it that as a single woman going to weddings always makes you "dream"? I'm just hopelessly romantic I guess. And here's another question. Do single men do the same thing? I'll wonder until someone answers; so do the favor if you're a male and let me know. Yesterday I came face to face with something I have been working out for a while - something I never really expected. I think my hopeless romantic side will all too soon fade into oblivion. She's slipping slowing away. Not for lack of romance (though indeed I'm in need) but the reminders were there again. The reasons I’m less impressed. The reasons I'm beginning to think I’m going to be hard “sweep off my feet”. As I attend more of them or maybe just as I get older, I'm finding maybe I'm simply less impressed by all the glitz and glitter of weddings. The dresses, tuxes, flowers, crowds, and all the hoopla. It's just not me. And so I've decided: if ever that day does arrive for me it is going to be something different. Incredibly different. Not a thought I first had there, but being in that atmosphere yesterday at the Milwaukee County War Memorial certainly helped confirm that decision.

A Month Ago

A month ago I knew I needed a week off. Now I've actually been advised to take a week off.

I am greatly looking forward to the time, which will come likely between the 21st and 28th of June. A friend advised me last night to use it well. "Wait on the Lord Kate, and He will renew your strength." Even his words sounded like just the thing I need.

I haven't been posting. I miss blogging. I miss writing in general. I'm not doing enough of it; not with intensity or results to satisfy. But I haven't been able to make time. About a month ago my routine got thrown off and I haven't been able to right it. I've simply been too busy. And that needs to change. Someone asked me this week when I was going to make time in my life for the things and people that matter. That was a big-time reality check. Something needs to give. I need to slow down.

A month ago I only had two coffee filters. I had to choose which days to drink coffee because there wasn't time to get to the store to buy more. Then I needed coffee like air. I still require the caffeine, and now my cupboard has enough filters for that habit. I've found some time for shopping. I suppose I'm making small changes. It's just time for bigger ones.